You Need to Feel Safe in Your Nervous System to Receive more Money.

First published in Elephant Journal July 2025.

("Yeah yeah, I’m a therapist, I already do." But… did I?)

I followed my soul’s calling — and it brought me to Lisbon with a newborn and a five-year-old.

After five years of dreaming about living abroad, I finally did it. I was five months pregnant when I decided I’d move to Lisbon. I planned to go in September — as soon as I could get a passport for my daughter. The urgency was simple: I didn’t want my five-year-old son to start school in the UK and then be uprooted three months later.

So, instead of the relaxed pregnancy you might imagine, mine was full of sorting flats, researching schools, designing a new website, shipping toys, and preparing for a career pivot. Nesting, yes — but with one foot already out of the country.

Two weeks after my baby was born, we were on the plane. “When will you rest?” people asked. “When I get to Lisbon,” I told them.

Spoiler: Lisbon wasn’t the rest I imagined.

In reality, it was the beginning of a solo-parenting whirlwind. My son had a tough adjustment to school. My baby screamed every time I put her down. I had a shiny new website and well-packaged services — and no clients. The biggest fear, day after day, was money. Would it run out?

Ten months later, I can see that of course my nervous system was dis-regulated. I was overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, anxious — and ashamed of how often I snapped. 

But at the time, it didn’t register as “unsafe.” It just felt… familiar.

When constant stress is your normal

Growing up, I lived with a parent whose nervous system was chronically dis-regulated — due to their own unresolved intergenerational trauma. I walked on eggshells most of the time. I remember feeling deeply relaxed only when they weren’t home.

My grandfather once dragged me by the hair to the toilet because the toilet paper had run out. He said my sister and I were dirty pigs. That kind of nervous system imprint doesn’t just go away.

We piggyback off our parents’ nervous systems. When theirs is frazzled or frozen, ours doesn’t feel safe either — even if we can’t articulate that at the time. Our young amygdalas are always scanning: Is it safe to relax? Is it safe to be?

What is “dis-regulation,” anyway?

A dis-regulated nervous system is one that’s outside the Window of Tolerance — a term coined by Dr. Dan Siegel. This “window” is the zone where we feel grounded enough to process emotions, stay present, and make good decisions. Outside of it, we’re either in hyperarousal (fight, flight, panic, anger) or hypoarousal (shutdown, numbness, dissociation). 

Children attune to their caregivers’ nervous systems. If our caregivers live outside the Window of Tolerance, we don’t just notice it — we absorb it. 

And so, over time, not feeling safe becomes the new normal. We adapt. 

I learned to cope by dissociating and controlling. I seemed calm to others — and in some ways, I was. But it was the stillness of hypervigilance, not peace. The kind of stillness where a deer freezes in the forest, hoping not to be seen.

And then Lisbon brought it all up.

Here’s the part I don’t want to skip — the part I believe matters most. 

Looking back, I can see that the situation was divinely orchestrated. Call it God, Source, the Universe — whatever language you use. I believe I was being offered a chance to address something foundational. 

It wasn’t just the practical stressors. The move, the money fear, the solo parenting — they were real. But what was being asked of me was deeper: 

To address the part of me who still felt, every day, like the floor could give way at any moment. 

That part didn’t need a strategy. She needed safety. 

Yes, I looked at astrology — Mars was transiting my twelfth house, the house of the subconscious. That gave my inner controller a framework, a timeline. I pulled Tarot cards and knew I was in a Tower moment. But after the Tower? Comes the Star. 

This was the work. And it was time to do it.

Even pain holds gold.

I believe the hard stuff holds treasure — if we’re willing to stay with it. Even when it’s horrible. Even when it feels like we’ll break. 

Whatever comes up is here for a reason. 

Because we can’t create abundance on a cracked foundation. We have to feel safe — not just think safe — in order to truly receive what we’re manifesting.

That’s why nervous system work is so powerful. It’s not “just” trauma healing — it’s foundation building. For the life, income, and creative vision you want to birth.

Nature first

Nature is proven to regulate the nervous system. Studies have shown that spending time in green spaces reduces cortisol levels, lowers heart rate, and activates the parasympathetic nervous system. According to research from the University of Michigan, just 20 minutes in nature can significantly lower stress hormones. 

We went to Monsanto Park every weekend, walking among eucalyptus and pine. Afterward, I was more available to breathwork, music, even conversation. The forest reset me.

Connected breathing

I followed Dan Brulé’s work on breath — using his YouTube videos to do 3–4 sessions a week once the kids were in bed. 

Brulé is a master of modern breathwork, known for blending ancient wisdom with neuroscience and deep spiritual awareness. His style is simple, intuitive, and powerful. Breathing this way activated my parasympathetic system — the rest-and-digest state — and allowed me to touch into the divine, into clarity, into quiet.

The “Voo” sound

When I felt panic or overwhelm rise, I used a simple tool from Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges): the “Voo” sound. 

It’s exactly what it sounds like — a deep, slow “vooo.” The vibration stimulates the vagus nerve, which plays a central role in calming our bodies and signalling safety. I’d do it quietly, taking deep breaths and letting the sound ground me. (Not ideal in a shopping centre — but perfect at home.)

EMDR: Healing the unsafe child

I used EMDR to go deeper. 

I brought to mind a specific memory — or reconstructed one — of my younger self feeling unsafe. I noticed the sensations, the emotion, and the belief: I’m unsafe. 

Then I tapped bilaterally and followed where my mind and body led. Sometimes memories came. Sometimes nothing. I always remind clients: you can’t get this wrong. 

Once the intensity settled, I did the re-do: inviting in nurturing, protective figures to intervene. A superhero. A social worker. A kind animal. I let them comfort her. 

Then I installed a new belief: I am safe now. 

I’m also working with: It’s safe to feel certain. Because back then, certainty felt dangerous. You had to stay on edge to be prepared. But I want certainty now. I want it to feel safe.

So how does this relate to money?

Completely. 

Most of us want money not just for things — but for the feeling it brings. Safety. Freedom. Certainty. 

But here’s the paradox: we can’t manifest those things unless we already feel them internally. 

The more I create internal safety, the more external security mirrors it back. My income reflects my regulation. My opportunities match my capacity to receive. 

If you want to increase your income beyond what’s “normal” for your family, culture, or past — your nervous system needs to feel safe doing that. Otherwise, the body will sabotage it. 

Beliefs like: 
- “If I get rich, I won’t belong.” 
- “They’ll resent me.” 
- “I’ll be judged.” 

…live in the body, not just the mind. And they need somatic attention.

This is sacred work. And you don’t have to do it alone.

A daily practice of creating deep safety is the most powerful abundance work I know. 

So, dear reader — may you feel deeply secure within. May your foundation feel strong enough to hold everything you desire. 

And may you feel safe to receive all the abundance you wish for.

Why Struggling Feels Safer than Manifesting Abundance.

First published in Elephant Journal, June 2025.

The Grief Beneath the Surface

Dear part that feels so crushed and sad,
I want you to know that I see you. I am now aware this is what you crave most of all: to have your feelings seen and validated.

I imagine you as a young, small girl sitting on a dark shore, looking back at a wild grey-black ocean under heavy storm clouds. This is the aftermath—and you are grieving the parts of yourself you had to cut off in order to get to the shore. In order to survive.

The sensitive parts. The parts that feel things deeply, intensely, passionately.

It wasn’t possible to survive the ongoing situation with them intact, so you amputated them and fled.
You survived.

But now you feel defeated.
Crushed. Almost dead.
You can’t anymore. You can’t take anymore. You can’t do anything anymore.

You feel overstuffed—holding the emotions of others.
You feel overwhelmed with anxiety that no one is helping you hold.
You feel crushed and defeated by the constant struggle.

You have no more fight.
You feel like you have nothing left to give.
You are so bl**dy tired.

But what upsets you most isn’t even that. It’s what happened to you.
The parts you had to cut off.
And the fact that you had to do all of this alone—without your pain being seen, witnessed, or stopped.

Even worse, that I haven’t seen you either. That I’ve been doing the same thing to you—when what you’ve needed most is for me to notice.

When Art Activates the Wound

As I said this to my part, something shifted. I felt a flicker of energy, of hope. She felt heard. I was doing something right.

She had been triggered during a rehearsal. I was playing a woman grieving infertility, exhausted by her struggle through IVF. The material from The Quiet House stirred my own grief, my own weariness.

Later, while doing abundance manifesting work on negative core beliefs, that same part surfaced again. This time, the pieces started coming together.

I found clarity.
I found the belief that had been running the show.

The Realisation: Manifesting Isn’t About Calling In—It’s About Making Space

A journal prompt had asked: What would you do if you received everything you wanted?

For me, abundance meant freedom and safety.
But the freedom to do what?

I realised: the freedom to play.
To play through acting.
To play with my children.

And that’s when the guilt came.
The criticism.
The self-judgement.

As I followed the thread, I uncovered a core belief:
That I must struggle and suffer in order to be safe and connected.

The Root: The Hidden Contract

It made sense.

I was the eldest daughter of a solo parent of two, navigating the waves of inherited trauma and chronic dysregulation.
Without realising it, I had made a silent vow:
I will carry your struggle and suffering if it means I can stay connected to you.

The illusion was that this contract guaranteed safety.
It didn’t.
But as a child, my nervous system was wired to seek closeness at any cost.

This was the fawn response in action: the hope that if I attuned to her pain, I could keep myself safe.

What I internalised was this:
Abundance, ease, and visibility = danger, guilt, and loss.

The Broken Record: Living Half-In

That belief became a loop.

Even after relocating to Lisbon, returning to acting, and following my creative path, I couldn’t fully step into the life I’d created. One foot remained in survival.

Sure, part of it was the natural adjustment to a big life change. But there was more.
A deeper resistance.
A belief that ease was unsafe.

Even though I was working hard to shift things, a powerless part of me quietly sabotaged the process.

For example: I didn’t consider promoting my therapy services locally. I was so focused on working with actors that it didn’t even occur to me. But when I finally did, clients came.

I saw then that I didn’t need to let go of being a therapist.
My calling was always to midwife creativity—to bring what’s hidden into the light.
We are all artists of our own lives.

And I’d been midwifing my own process all along.

Healing Through the Body: EMDR as a Portal

That small crushed part was carrying the full weight of my struggle wound.

Her loyalty to suffering had nearly broken her.

But when I witnessed her, when I validated her, and when I named the belief, something shifted again.

As an EMDR therapist, I offered her a rescue.

With bilateral tapping, I invited her story to unfold.
I imagined safe people intervening.
A rainbow dragon, a kind social worker—whatever she needed.

That’s the magic of EMDR. You get to rewrite the story.

And then I anchored a new belief:
“I am safe, worthy, and lovable in my ease, joy, and abundance.”

Rewiring the Brain: A New Belief System

That’s neuroplasticity.
The more we imagine ourselves safe in joy, the more our nervous system learns that it’s true.

These shifts take time—but they’re real. And I felt it.

Soon after, I began to receive more aligned clients.
The external began to shift as my internal world softened.

When the Breakdown Is the Breakthrough

I had heard over and over that what you want to manifest is already inside you.

But I didn’t believe it could be that simple.

And that?
That disbelief was the struggle wound speaking.

I didn’t realise that the emotional breakdown was the breakthrough.
That the messiness was a sign that something beautiful was trying to land.

In Tarot, it’s the Tower card before the Star.
Destruction before illumination.

Manifesting isn’t about forcing things to appear.
It’s about making space—by going inward, by feeling what’s real, by meeting the parts of us that were left behind.

So I ask you, dear reader:
What is right in front of your nose right now?
When you think about what you’re trying to manifest, how are you feeling—right now?
Or what are the most dominant negative feelings and emotional states showing up lately?

How do they connect with your deeper story—and with what you’re longing to call in?

Being Authentic is Your Portal

For all the programmes and ideas I’d developed, I couldn’t feel grounded in any of them.
I didn’t know how to access my own abundance.

Until I saw: it had been there the whole time.

Becoming the artist of my own life.
Sharing my story.
Midwifing my own creative process.

That was the portal.

The Wound & the Way

As a therapist and actress, I see now how common this wound is.
This struggle wound.
This inherited survival contract.

The guilt and shame at the idea of experiencing ease.
The tug-of-war between wanting to shine—and wanting to hide.

It’s hard for anyone to carry this.
But especially for those of us who long to express ourselves creatively.

And paradoxically, I think it’s the unseen child within us who wants that shine. Who wants to be witnessed and known.

So if something here resonates, I hope it offers a small light for your own path.

Because abundance doesn’t come from pushing harder.
It comes from being real.
From feeling everything.
From midwifing your own transformation.

Which—you don’t have to do alone, by the way.

And then?
You magnetise.

So dear reader, may you  believe you are safe, worthy, and lovable in your ease, abundance, and joy.

I Tried to Manifest My Dream Life—& Here’s What Finally Started to Work.

First published in Elephant Journal, June 2025

I want to share my experience of trying to manifest a new life—and what I’ve learned about why it wasn’t working the way I thought it would.

The Invisible Force Holding Me Back

About two and a half years ago, I found myself in a kind of emotional fog. I wasn’t exactly depressed, but everything felt flat. Bleak. I was looking at the next 20 years of my life—doing the same trauma therapy work, in the same neighborhood, in the same rhythm—and I just couldn’t. My soul felt numb. There was nothing particularly wrong, but the idea of continuing as I was left me cold.

And so I asked myself: What brought me joy when I was younger?

The answer came quickly—acting. That creative fire, the embodied joy, the freedom of expression. I started weekly online acting classes. It woke something up in me. It helped me listen more closely to my soul’s voice.

A year and a half later, I moved to Lisbon. With a five-year-old. And a newborn. And no support system.

At the same time, I began shifting from purely trauma therapy to working with creatives and exploring the acting world for myself. It was a massive change—not just of place and career, but of identity. And while my soul knew I was doing the right thing… the rest of me? Not so much.

Practice One: Visualisation with Shadow Tracking

That’s when it started: the internal resistance. The part of me that didn’t believe it was safe to expand. That didn’t believe I could be supported. That didn’t believe I was worthy.

Even though I’d already done seven years of therapy—and trained as a trauma therapist myself—these old beliefs came roaring back. Not in obvious ways. But in the background. Sabotaging. Shaping my decisions. Tightening me up with fear.

I threw myself into manifestation work. Visualisations. Affirmations. Vision boards. I followed the big names—Amanda Frances, Lenka Lutonska. I wanted to believe it would work. I tried to feel the feelings of abundance, success, joy.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t access the feelings.
I couldn’t hold the vision.
I just… went numb.

That numbness wasn’t new. I’d met it before in my acting training, in feedback from people who couldn’t “read” what I was feeling. As a therapist, I know what that is: a protector part. One that came along early in life to shield me from unbearable emotion.

So I did the work. Again. And I realised something that changed everything:

You can’t manifest your dream life if your nervous system doesn’t believe it’s safe to have it.

Practice Two: Befriending the Parts That Hold You Back

One of the most helpful things I started doing was pairing visualisation with awareness of what comes up—especially the parts of me that resist.

Try this:
- Take five minutes to fully visualise the life you want. Let it be detailed. Specific. You having the money. The time. The love. The ease.
- And then… just notice what comes up.
    - Numbness?
    - Guilt?
    - Grief?
    - Resistance?
    - Self-doubt?

For me, it was grief. A wave of it. A part of me that remembered not getting what I needed as a child. A part that believed it was too late now. That it wasn’t safe to hope.

If something like this arises, don’t bypass it. Be curious. Ask:
- “What belief is underneath this?”
- “When did I first feel this way?”
- “What part of me is carrying this?”

This process alone can reveal so much.

Practice Three: Releasing Through the Body

In my own work (and with clients), I use a mix of EMDR, IFS (parts work), and somatic tracking to work with these protective layers.

Once I notice a part—say, the one that wants me to stay small—I start relating to it:
- What does it fear would happen if I changed?
- What is it protecting me from?
- What did it need, back then, that it didn’t get?

Often, these parts are holding buried emotions like rage, grief, or fear. They’re not trying to block us. They’re trying to keep us safe.

Sometimes I dialogue with them. Sometimes I just sit with them. I let them express. I tap (left–right–left–right, like in EMDR). I remind them that now is different. That we are safe.

This isn’t about pushing through.
It’s about integration.

This Is Not a Quick Fix

Thoughts alone can’t move trauma.
Emotions need to be felt.
Bodies need to be involved.

If a wave of emotion comes—rage, grief, fear—I let it peak and crash like a wave. I tap. I breathe. I allow it to rise and fall, rather than shut it down.

Here’s one way I do this:
- I lie down and do connected breathing.
- I breathe into the part of my body where I feel blocked (for me, it’s often my lower or upper back).
- I stay with the breath.
- I let the emotion move.
- Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I want to punch pillows. Sometimes I shake.

That’s all okay.

Because after that wave passes, I can finally access the positive belief I’ve been trying to install:
- I am safe.
- I am worthy.
- I am powerful.
- I don’t need to struggle.
- It’s safe to receive.

You can only truly believe those things when your body believes them too.

I want to be real: this isn’t a “five minutes a day and your dream life arrives” kind of thing.

For those of us with attachment trauma, it can take 6–12 months of steady, committed work to create real change. But it can happen. I know because it’s happening for me. Bit by bit. Day by day.

I’m not sharing this to sell you anything.
I’m sharing it because it’s what I needed to read.
It’s what I wish someone had told me when I felt like I was doing everything “right” but still getting nowhere.

You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re not broken.
You just need a deeper approach.

And if you don’t want to do it alone—you don’t have to.

Thanks for reading my story.
And if it helped you even a little… I’m really glad.

8 Radical Tips to Save your Relationship or Help you Find (& Keep) your Soul Mate.

Edited and first published by Elephant Journal.

The young woman sat on the worn suede sofa in her living room, alone. It was a hot Summer’s night. Her legs tucked under her, she wore a white cotton mini skirt and a dusty pink camisole top. She ran her fingers through her shoulder length highlighted hair and downed her glass of Prosecco whilst sighing deeply. Blue Kohl was smudged faintly beneath her brown eyes, washed away by tears. “If only I’d been a bit more patient with Rick”, she thought. “If only I hadn’t over-reacted to some of his antics. We had a good thing and by getting as nervy as an Ascot race horse each time he said or did something I didn’t like, I’ve ruined something that could’ve turned into the real deal…….”

Sound familiar? Here are the mindset changes needed to either:

 Save your relationship or find (and keep) your soulmate

 1)    Know that certainty is an illusion

 Having relationship problems? Don’t decide one way or the other or move on too quickly. I’m not suggesting that we allow our boundaries to be trampled all over like the field at Glastonbury. But, in this individualist capitalist culture of hyper-consumerism which includes swiping right, summoning dinner to our doorstep within minutes, buying cheap clothes to return as quickly as they arrive, the implicit message we get is “judge quickly and move on fast if the ‘fit’ is not quite right”.

 ‘Is Your Date a Narcissist?”, ‘How to handle an Avoidant Partner” or, “10 Ways to Know if He is The Person for You’ are headlines I read when scrolling through relationship blogs on social media. Of course, it’s very important to be aware of potentially harmful individuals, however in the current socio-cultural context there is a huge need to label everything and everyone. And it’s not necessarily helpful.

 As a Gestalt therapist, I am wary of labelling. Gestalt Therapy asserts that ‘the self’ is a process which is constantly re-creating. To diagnose is to objectify ‘the self’. In some cases, a diagnosis can be helpful however I suspect that labelling our partner as a narcissist, an avoidant or ‘fucked up beyond repair’ helps us feel temporarily more secure and nothing more. We get a convenient reason to leave or blame or feel superior because our partner is ‘wrong’, not us.

 Bullshit!

 Relationship questions are never black and white. Any security derived from judging the other quickly is an illusion to avoid normal feelings of insecurity when getting closer to someone. And that insecurity will stick with you into the next and next relationship like a fly to a piece of shit.

 2)    Think, “how can I practice my relationship skills NOW whatever my current situation?

Flabby relationship muscles are like the gut of a cat that’s had eight litters of kittens. We get these when we label individuals too quickly and avoid commitment. After the initial 3-month honeymoon period is over, it’s usual for the rose-tinted glasses to fall off and the quarrels to start. Some of us want to leave, more of us wish our partner was different and try to change them. Others try and ‘fix’ ourselves to put up with their flaws. Neither of these solutions are helpful. If we keep on leaving when the going gets tough, then we’ll keep on leaving till we don’t have enough strength to lift our Zimmer frame through the doorway.

 ‘They’ become the problem when we focus on how ‘narcissistic, ‘avoidant’, or depressive they are, and refuse to see how we are also contributing to the problem. I’m not saying we should stay in a relationship where we mostly feel unsafe or unhappy. But the fact is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE DATE WILL HURT US AND DISAPPOINT US at some point. That’s because we’re all flawed human beings. If things are really bad, then we should absolutely leave the situation. But if we are not leaving because we ‘love them’ or because we hope things can improve, or because the good still outweighs the bad, then we are at least partly responsible for the dynamic because we are choosing to stay.

 3)    Find compassion for their ‘issues’

 Dis-identify from their ‘stuff’. We can bet that if someone has commitment issues, communication issues, anger issues or whatever other ‘issues’, they had them long before we came along. Therefore, their issues are NOT A REFLECTION OF OUR WORTH, and we do not need to over-react to them. If we do, then that is our issue!  If they don’t call when they said they would, if they forget our birthday, if they say they are too tired/depressed/anxious to join us at our best friend’s party, it’s not because we are ‘not good enough’, ‘unworthy’, ‘too fat’, or whatever other bullshit our critical voice is throwing at us.

 Let’s see instead if we can find some compassion for their struggle. After all, if this was our best friend, wouldn’t we show empathy and understanding? Why is it that we lose that compassion and empathy when it comes to our partners?

We can still communicate our hurt, our annoyance etc. but we don’t start screaming, shouting, swearing, threatening, blanking, avoiding or any other type of reactive behaviour.

When we muster up that compassion, and I’m not saying it’s easy but try imagining that they’re your best friend, we disconnect from their ‘stuff’ and no longer allow it to trigger own ‘stuff’.

The magical bonus of extending compassion towards our partner is that we start to develop that same empathy towards ourselves.

 4)    Regulate your emotions

If we take offence because our date didn’t call for four days, it’s because our own stuff about being abandoned is triggered. We start to obsess, our mind runs catastrophic movies about them in bed with someone else. We react disproportionately to the current situation since they are only a love interest at this time, even if we’ve fantasised them into a future husband.

So, we have a choice here. We can practice behaving differently and soothe the part of us that’s terrified of being abandoned. We can imagine the young girl who was rejected by a parent and imagine surrounding her with love and care. We can visualise an alternative, ideal parent who provides constant and secure love. We can incorporate some bilateral tapping during this process. This is a technique taken from EMDR which helps to ‘install’ a new experience to overwrite the unhappy abandonment script.

We can sit with our feelings of anguish or fear whenever they arise. This is what Tara Brach teaches in her RAIN technique. We notice the distress in the body and feel it without doing anything about it. We observe the feelings intensify and then ebb away. We realise that they aren’t going to overwhelm us or plunge us into an abyss of despair, that we can bear them and that they don’t last forever.

 5)    Challenge your thoughts and assumptions

 We can use our current relationship/dating distress to challenge our catastrophic and thinking and tendency to make assumptions about the other without bothering to reality check them. We monitor our thoughts and notice when we’re imaging the worst. We ask, what is the concrete evidence for that thought? When we find ourselves assuming they’ve gone off us, we think of other reasons they may not be texting which have nothing to do with us for example they feel tired, depressed, or anxious we’ve gone off them, for example.

 Running movies about the other person’s behaviour whips up anxiety and anguish quicker than a Vitamix blender whizzing up a banana smoothie.  We end up pushing the other person away which is exactly what we’re most scared of.

 Thinking differently is a win-win. Regardless of the relationship outcome, we’ve honed a new skill, we’ve added a new tool to our collection of relationship building tools. Either we will transform this relationship, or we’ll feel more confident heading into the next one with a smaller car crash of relationship fuck-ups behind us.

 6)    Express yourself transparently without judging, accusing or threatening.

 Being transparent is crucial. We can’t expect the other person to ‘mind-read’ us and know what we need and want as if they were our parent (and even parents don’t always do a great job of that). How can we expect to be fulfilled in our current relationship if we don’t communicate what’s really going on for us? So often in my own personal therapy and as a therapist to my clients, transparency comes up. I ask, ‘have you told him that you feel hurt by his behaviour?” Or, “have you told her you feel anxious when she doesn’t call? Often, we shame ourselves for our vulnerabilities and stop ourselves expressing them.  There is nothing shameful about yearning for someone or feeling insecure about someone. These are human experiences. If we don’t express them then we tend to blame, accuse, criticise and threaten instead. We try to manipulate the other and this always backfires. If I tell you I’m going to dump you because you don’t seem interested in me then you will probably feel threatened and retaliate with something like, ‘go on then, if that’s what you want’. I end up alone when that’s really not what I wanted. Actually, if I’d communicated the whole of my experience I would have said something like, ‘when I don’t hear from you I start to imagine that you’re no longer interested in me and I feel sad and anxious’. This language is more likely to soften the other person and leaves an opening for them to respond without getting defensive.

 It’s the usual stuff about making “I” statements and owning our experience without making accusations. So, we make ourselves a bit vulnerable, what’s the worst that can happen? We’re no longer a child under ten who can’t protect themselves. The world will not end, and we will not die by being honest about ourselves. Actually, by expressing our true inner experience we feel empowered because we’ve just honoured and validated ourselves, regardless of how the other responds.

 7)    Practice setting healthy boundaries

 Any relationship, whether we sail off into the sunset or capsize dramatically, is a great practice ground for setting boundaries.  In order to set boundaries, we have to know what we need. Boundaries signal what is negotiable and what is non—negotiable. This is a great question to consider because so many of us, myself included, ignore our needs as if they were extra toppings at the ice cream parlour, indulgent but not necessary. Getting our needs met is fundamental in order to keep on going without having a breakdown.

 In our current relationship we can start to evaluate whether our partner’s behaviour encroaches on our needs, or whether we can bend a little like a willow tree rather than being as rigid as a toddler having a tantrum. When they forget our birthday we can ask, do I need them to remember?  It sure as hell would be nice but I don’t need them to remember my birthday in order to keep on thriving. Nor do I need to react by sending a flurry of nasty texts or ignoring them for two days to punish them. I can decide to be curious about their reason for forgetting and at the same time express my hurt and disappointment.

 On the other hand, do I need to be in a relationship with someone who is honest? Yes, I do otherwise I find it difficult to trust. If I find out they are lying three months after we’ve been officially in a relationship (as opposed to dating when a few half-truths are not uncommon) I’d seriously consider ending our liaison.

 When we get really clear on our needs and express them, then we can choose which behaviours we’re going to make a big deal out of and which ones we are going to be more flexible about. I’m not saying we just accept that our birthday has been forgotten. We express our feelings and we try to understand why they forgot, but we don’t overreact. That invariably backfires and leads to more ‘forgotten’ birthdays, other passive aggressive behaviour or no one around to forget our birthday the year after.

 8)    Learn to be ok with difference

 Differences are the most difficult relationship issues to manage. For example, we expect to chat to our love interest on a daily basis and feel disappointed and hurt when we only hear from them every few days.  Or, we are tee total and they like to get dead drunk every weekend. We might cajole them into doing what we want. When that doesn’t work we try to manipulate them into it by promising something in return. If that doesn’t work and the stakes are high like wanting different holiday destinations, we try to force them into choosing what we want. This ends with our partner agreeing but secretly teeming with resentment that shows up in passive aggressive ways like losing their libido, being on their phone when in our company, coming home later from work. Or it can lead to a blow-up argument and stale-mate or we ‘give in’ but punish our partner with a wall of silence, ‘losing’ our libido or other stroppy behaviour.  We cannot accept that our partner is just different from us. Their difference does not make them worse than us nor are we superior because of our choices. There isn’t necessarily anything to do but be curious about their difference and understand and appreciate them more for the unique human being they are. Hopefully  in turn they will appreciate our differences. We can also ask ourselves whether the disagreement is about a need of ours. Going on holiday with our partner may be wonderful but is it necessary? Is it worth potentially throwing the relationship away for that?

 If we are willing to try these practices, and they aren’t easy, we might come to find that our hasty judgement of our partner was inaccurate and that they are a lot more complex and interesting than we thought. We’ll gain freshly honed relationship skills to transform our relationship without any need for couples counselling. And if things don’t work out, we’ll feel more confident going into our next relationship.  Regardless of how good a fit the next person is, no relationship is protected from shoddy behaviour so better start upping your game now, with this one.

If you’d like some professional help putting any of the above tips into practice, I’m happy to chat  with you about how we could work together.

7 Reasons why we Haven’t found Real-Ass, Committed, Healthy Love.

“There's something wrong with me”, my client says, “inherently wrong with me. Everyone else is hooking up, settling down or having children. I'm being left on the fence, passed by. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm too ugly, or too boring, or too closed. I've always felt left out, I must have been born this way... and will probably die this way too”.

 So not true!

1.    You have adopted some untrue and unhelpful self-beliefs

You were not marked out as a pariah at birth - How is it actually possible that there is something so fundamentally wrong with us that it marks us out, sets us apart from all other human beings as if we were some kind of pariah? 

When my clients say this, I ask them what the specific concrete evidence is which backs up this idea that they are so uniquely unworthy compared to all the other thousands who are currently dating.  If we think we are ugly we might ask, ‘in whose eyes?” In comparison to celebrities who are made up and airbrushed to the hilt? Or are we comparing ourselves to a particular societal norm? If so, which societal norm would that be? The Western world, Asian societies, African societies? And what is the societal norm in any of these? For example, in the UK would we say that black models, mixed-race, blonde or red-headed models feature most in magazines? 

 I don’t think that anyone would agree on what constitutes beauty or even whether the ‘norm’ is the most beautiful. Just think of how varied models look now compared to even 10 years ago. 

 And if that doesn’t help challenge our beliefs, we can do a reality check with our peer group. We can join a personal development group and realise how many of us feel the same. Perhaps we can risk telling a close friend that we doubt how we look and think it is the reason why we can’t find a date or a fulfilling relationship. I’m pretty sure they would also confess to some insecurities about their looks and I’m also pretty sure they would reassure us on our looks. If our critical voice continues to doubt what they say, we can reality check with more and more friends until there is firm evidence that, even if we are not text book looking, we are attractive.

Lastly, we can look at the evidence of what others are attracted to. Let’s think of our friends in happy relationships. Do we hold them to the high aesthetic standards that we hold ourselves? I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us by saying we don’t. I’m also struck by how the way we can speak to and judge ourselves is so diametrically different from the compassion and understanding we have for our friends. They are allowed to have the blemishes, curves and ungroomed nails that we do not allow ourselves, and yet we find them attractive as people. Why do we find them attractive? Because we see them as a whole, as a 3D living person complete with personality, attractive qualities and the ‘je ne sais quoi’that makes them the unique person they are. 

 Yet when we look at ourselves, we cannot get this perspective. We look at a 2-D selfie taken after a draining day at the office, and imagine we look like this all the time. Or, we see our side profile in the harshly neon-lit fitting room mirror of John Lewis, our buttocks over-emphasised in a mirror that isn’t properly fitted. Our heart drops and we feel depressed. But this is not a true representation of us. We are a moving, 3-D picture. And just as Gestalt psychologists stated, ‘the whole is greater than the parts’.

 But I’m unworthy, people just ‘see’ me that in me, especially if they get to know me…

 If we believe this, then we can ask ourselves, what is it specifically and concretely that we have done which supports the belief we are unworthy. Whenever I ask clients they respond with vague reasons such as, ‘I don’t know exactly’, or, ‘just because’. The reason for the vagueness is that these questions really nail their critical voice and reveal it as a fraud, just like a suitor whose been called out on a lie and they know their time is up. Only problem is, unlike the suitor who runs for the hills, our inner bully stubbornly holds on and refuses to let go. 

We need to dig deep, really take a pick axe to that mother fucker. We can start by thinking of individuals we do consider to be unworthy. Would that be child molesters, murderers, granny bashers? And how do we compare to them? Surely, we would quickly agree that if 10 is unworthy and 1 is not at all and they are a 10 then we are a good 4, 3 or lower. Not unworthy then. 

2.    You believe the fantasy about everyone else's perfect lives and relationships… 

The fact is that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even very good relationships are rare. People meet, stay together and break up all the time. Just because your friends seem loved up now, does not mean that the relationship has long-term staying power or that it is fulfilling once the initial fantasy chemical driven part is over. 

 In my experience of counselling many couples, the initial attraction and the reason for staying together is that our neuroses fit.Which can be fine but generally where we are neurotic there is a younger, childish part present. So perhaps this part of us stays with our partner who is at times domineering or sarcastic or stone walls us because in other ways they make us feel ‘safe’. We put up with the bad because we don't know any different, maybe we experienced the same with our parents as children. The problem is, safe doesn’t equal interesting or stimulating. Perhaps our relationship is given the badge of social approval because it is steady and long-term, but is it healthy and happy? Hmm...

 I don't mean to come across as a party pooper, or the voice of doom and gloom about relationships. Of course, it is very possible to have a fulfilling long-term relationship, I’m just saying don’t let your critical voice fool you into believing that everyone else is enjoying a fairy-tale romance, complete with popcorn and coke, whilst you’ve been left on the side.

3.    You are not actually open to a relationship

I remember my own therapist pulling me up on this a while back.  As I thought about my work schedule, it dawned on me that he was right. If I work anti-social hours when end at 9pm at night in the weekdays and if I fill my Saturdays with yoga and meeting friends, what amount of spare time do I actually have to give a relationship? Whilst a once a week date might be fine in the early stages, a partner might not feel satisfied with getting just the dregs of me on Sunday when Monday blues is already setting in.  

How much energy do we have for someone else? By that I mean the energy to listen to them patiently when they are telling us about the struggles of their day.  The energy to be fully present for them, to show up for them, to love them and to show them that love through actually being available for them. Can we honestly say we have this or do we find ourselves drifting off and wishing they would just leave us alone to watch Netflix? After all, weren’t these the qualities we wished for in another? When we look at ourselves honestly can we say for sure we are truly available, to meet someone else? 

4.    You give up on dating and relationships at the first hurdle

I’ve done that very thing before. A few bad dates and I throw in the towel and say, ‘that’s it, it’s not for me’.Only to sheepishly re-install my dating apps a month later.

Let me ask you, would you give up so quickly when trying for a major professional, educational or savings goal for example? Probably not. How is that we can be a lot more resilient about those goals, which may take years to attain, but not when it comes to our relationship goal? How is that when we take a knock professionally or at college, we ask for feedback and performance reviews and try to learn from our mistakes, even if our ego is a little crushed. 

But when a date or a relationship goes wrong, we don’t dare ask for feedback. If our date tells us they don’t want to continue seeing us, our inner critic attacks us like a wrinkly-headed vulture about to gobble up a tasty dead lion. “It’s because you’re too fat, too ugly, too unlovable, because they spotted that there is something truly wrong with you”. How is that we rarely challenge this vulture by finding out why they don’t want to see us anymore? More than likely it is because of them rather than us. A recent client of mine, after taking the risk of asking, found out it was because their date was looking for hook-ups and polyamory whilst they were looking for monogamy. 

How do we know our date didn’t get scared off by our fabulousness, or realised they were still in love with their ex? Absolutely nothing to do with us. And even if it is because they decide we aren’t their type? So what? Not everyone likes bananas or apples. If someone prefers bananas over apples, does that make apples unworthy? Of course not! I say as I crunch into my Pink Lady.

How about we view dating as a journey, as an interesting experiment we have set ourselves?  Perhaps it will take three years to meet the right partner. And we learn from each date and person along the way, we hone our insight, streamline and finesse our requirements so that when we do meet the right person, we can be proud of the knowledge and prowess we have acquired.

5.   You don’t’ actually go out and meet people

This might seem obvious but if we keep on doing the same things we always do and don’t meet new people, then perhaps it is time to do something new. I mean, prince or princess charming isn’t going to appear at our grubby bedroom window sill at night, wave their wand and fall instantly in love with us. If our routine consists of going to work, going home, hanging out with friends who are in relationships, married or with children, and at the weekend or going to the gym where no one talks to each other, the odds are we won’t meet anyone new. 

Our inner critic can then use this as evidence that we are ‘unlovable’ and that we don’t belong. A judge would throw this evidence out in court. Just as getting a job can mean sending off piles of CVs and doing several interviews, finding a good relationship means putting ourselves out there. Whether that be through online dating and actually going on dates, or finding a fun activity to try that we’ve always been interested in. Maybe acting classes, improv classes, rock climbing, joining a hiking group etc. Ideally, it’s something we will enjoy anyway so finding a date is just a bonus.

6.   You don’t choose the right people to date

Rather than focussing on why you are not good enough, have you thought about why past partners haven't been good enough? Looking back on past relationships I’ve had, I realise that I was making some overly big compromises without really realising it. The partner who keeps changing their mind about whether they want to be in the relationship, is that really good enough for us? The partner who can never admit to doing anything wrong, is that really good enough for us? The partner who is a nasty drunk, is that really good enough for us? The partner who freezes and shuts down when we cry, is that really good enough for us?

What are the qualities we are looking for? And by qualities I do not necessarily mean how affluent they are or what their Instagram looks like. Perhaps we want someone with a certain degree of emotional literacy who can say how they feel rather than acting it out in a childish way when they are upset? Someone who is able to manage the heightened emotions that we all experience from time to time such as anxiety and anger in a healthy way. Perhaps we want someone who is able to communicate in a non-blaming, non-defensive way? 

Once we know the qualities we value, are we able to reject others instead of constantly rejecting ourselves through self-blame or settling?  Sometimes people will say, ‘I felt bad saying no to a date with him’ or, ‘she wasn’t really what I was looking for, but I thought I’d give them a try and then I got hooked’. These are all examples of going against our better judgement. We might be worried about hurting the other person. Does that mean that their needs come before ours? No. We all get rejected in various guises, frequently. Whether it be for the job, the promotion, by not winning the lottery. It’s part of life. If someone chooses to get ‘hurt’ by being turned down, then that is up to them.

Or we may say ‘yes’ to individuals even if alarm bells start ringing, for fear we won’t find anyone else. This is a fallacy as there are billions of other individuals out there on the planet. In fact, the longer we stay in something that doesn’t feel right, we lose time with the wrong person when we could be on the path to finding the right person. What keeps us from acting according to our better judgement and instincts, a false belief we adopted about not being good enough. See point 1 on how to challenge this. 

7.   Your reasons for wanting a partner are flawed

What is behind our desire for a partner? Is it a wish for distraction from a shitty life? Is it a wish to be cared for the way our mum or dad didn't sufficiently care for us? Is it to obtain status or validation? Is it to get security and/or money? Is it to feel more excited and alive?  None of these are good enough reasons to seek a partner. If life is shitty, build a new one. If we want status and validation, gain it by doing something meaningful from growing prize tomatoes to winning the Nobel prize. We can find ways to increase our own income if money is important. If we feel numb and depressed, we can find out how we are suppressing ourselves and our emotions in therapy so that we can feel more alive. Or we can take the risk of shaking things up in our life, perhaps re-training, re-locating, moving out of our comfort zone with a hobby, or working less.

If our yearning for a partner is a desire to be cared for, to feel safe or to feel validated, then we need to do some work on re-parenting ourselves. The truth is, even with the ‘perfect’ partner, they will get it wrong sometimes. They will not always be able to read exactly what we need and give it to us when we need it. They will at times be absent or emotionally unavailable or caught up in their own stress. If we place unspoken expectations on our partner to provide what was missing in our parenting, we will often feel disappointed, hurt and missed. We are then more likely to act out in child-like ways, raging or crying or stone-walling or being passive aggressive, which pushes our partner away and then we feel even more hurt.

How do we reparent ourselves? There are the obvious things we read about such as swapping negative self-talk for compassionate self-talk, being kind to ourselves, setting appropriate boundaries, practicing good self-care etc. Sometimes we need a bit more help with this. We need to explore in more detail exactly how our childhood woundsdeveloped and exactly what we need to do in order to mend them. Sometimes we also need to process the wounds so that the hurt is no longer so intense and doesn’t get triggered in unhelpful ways. Psychotherapy which focusses on developmental trauma, such as EMDRor an attachment focussed therapy can really help with this. Only we can heal ourselves, although good therapists and good partners can help with the process.  Once we have taken responsibility for our wounded parts, that is when we are more likely to meet the partner of our dreams.

Intrigued to know more about how therapy can help your relationship dynamics? Get in touch and we can talk.

Is The Cost of Therapy Worth It or Just a Rip Off?

When weighing up the cost of therapy, you may find your mouse hesitating to click on the ‘get in touch’ button. You start doing the mental maths of how much it’s going to add up to per month. Then you start thinking about the things you’ll have to go without. Or, you think about all the things you could buy with the money instead. You focus on the monetary cost of therapy and try to decide if it is good value. When making your decision, here are some additional points to consider:

1.    Therapy costs less than divorce

 Let’s say I want therapy to stop my marriage from falling apart. My partner has requested I work on anger issues which are creating a tense atmosphere at home. Everyone walks on eggshells around me. The potential cost of not doing therapy is the end of my marriage. This would mean a huge amount of emotional pain and suffering. It might also lead to a costly divorce in which we would both stand to lose the family home. If one year’s worth of therapy works out at around £3000, this is considerably cheaper than the cost of divorce which includes solicitors’ fees and loss of income.  Not to mention the heart ache and pain.

2.    Therapy leads to more meaningful and better paid jobs

 A recent survey showed that a course of therapy leads to an increase in earning. Economists studied data from 2943 men and 5064 women between 1995-2008 to establish the effect of psychotherapy on mental health and income. For men, their income increased by 13%. For women it increased by 8%. If an individual earns £35k and does a year of therapy, they could increase their income to £39,550 which would be 1.5k more than they spent on the therapy.

 Why does therapy increase income? Therapy has the means to permanently shift our life onto a higher plane long after the thrill of the new car or tropical holiday fades. If you look back over the last five years at the patterns and habits you have wanted to change, how much have they really changed? For most of us, our everyday busy-ness means we don’t find the time. Or when we’ve got the time, we don’t have the motivation or the discipline to make changes. Months and years can go by like this. Deciding to pay for therapy is securing one hour a week where we can empty out the thoughts going around in our heads, identify what matters and make headway with making those things happen. 

Lucia (client’s name and identity has been changed) is an intelligent and talented woman who was doing boring and repetitive work when she first came to therapy. In sessions we explored her interests and what she valued. She became aware of the critical and doubting voices that held her back from pursuing these. In some sessions she experimented with giving voice to more confident parts of her. By the end of the therapy she had found a meaningful career and had doubled her income. She had become more confident and able to speak up and be heard. She also felt more able to handle challenging exchanges and to delegate. In short, she became more employable.

 3.    Therapy gives you more quality time

We might postpone therapy because we are too busy. But we are too busy doing what exactly? Are we working in a meaningful job where there is a good work/life balance or flogging ourselves to death in a job where we feel devalued and underpaid? Do we come home at night fretting about what our colleagues think of us or whether our boss thinks we are any good? Do we repeat unhelpful relational patterns with colleagues? If so, then does it make sense to prioritise work over therapy? As the well know adage says, if we keep on doing the same old things, we can’t expect anything to change’. 

 In therapy we create a space to think about our work needs. We explore the activities that feel valuable and meaningful to us. We gain insights into relationships with colleagues and superiors. We learn what we can do differently to make work more enjoyable. We are more able to set healthy boundaries and as a result work is less time-consuming.

 Therapy can make us richer not just in monetary terms but more importantly in terms of emotional satisfaction. It leads to improved relationships and finding life more meaningful. Does that mean it’s worth it? That depends on whether you are happy with your life as it is. Are you fulfilled in your profession? Are you in a satisfying relationship or do you keep on repeating the same old patterns? Do you have kind and caring inner talk and practice self-care activities? Do you feel some excitement and joy in your life? Do you regularly make time for fun activities? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘’no’ then therapy can help you with that.  

4.    Therapy makes you a better partner and parent

I think we can all agree that a happy parent leads to a happy child. A happier parent is one who is in touch with their emotions and able to identify and communicate their needs in an assertive but non-aggressive way to others. A happier parent is one who has worked through any of their own childhood issues that impact on their parenting. A happier parent is one who is able to create enough boundaries so that they have some space in their week where they can pursue interests that are meaningful and fun to them, not necessarily linked to family life. In the same way a happier partner leads to a happier relationship. 

Therapy can help us to become more satisfied with our lives. Not necessarily ‘happy’ as this is a temporary and episodic state. However, through therapy we can redress the sources of our unhappiness such as anxiety, depression, poor work/life balance. We do this by becoming more aware of our feelings, our bodies, our needs and our wants. We find ways to articulate these and make changes either actual or through changing our perspective.

 So, what are you waiting for?  I look forward to welcoming you on the couch ;)

3 Tips to Survive and Thrive in a Killer Work Meeting

“I need a pep talk, girls! I’ve just come out of the worst meeting ever and I’ve got one more to go.  It was full of alpha dominants. I was the only voice of reason. Give me some nuggets of wisdom ASAP.”

The text pings on my phone. I empathise with how desperate my friend feels in this moment. I imagine her in an elegant Karen Millen trouser suit surrounded by obnoxious individuals hunched around the boardroom table, jabbing their Mont Blancs as they express objectionable views with a healthy dose of afternoon coffee halitosis.

My friend retreats to the lavatory, splashes cold water on her face, wipes away smudged Kohl with toilet paper and dabs lavender essential oil onto her wrists. She stares at her reflection in the mirror as she takes a few breaths, praying for some kind of divine intervention. Then she swivels on her Escada sling backs and heads back to the board room.

You’ve been there right? Maybe the scenario was a little different but feeling on the backfoot, like you don’t fit in and anxious are the same?

I sure have.  I’ve sat in big formal meetings finding it harder and harder to get my words out. The less I say, the more I freeze. The worse I feel. Then the self-criticism starts. How can I, a grown woman, who feels at ease chatting with a group of friends sit here like a door mouse?  What kind of hypocrite am I? I get frustrated with myself. I feel even worse. 

Or at least I did until… these tips.

I propel myself onto the sofa in my tracksuit bottoms and over-sized jumper and dash off an emergency response.

“Yo! You asked for some tips on getting through a killer meeting. Here they are:”

Firstly, think about this fact. 

You are not alone. However isolated and outnumbered you feel, you are not alone with this experience. According to Gestalt Group Theory and System Centred Theory (Agazarian, Y), there is no such thing as an isolated experience in a group. Gestalt write Carl Hodges writes:

“whatever comes up for one member ‘internally’ or ‘externally’ emerges from the group…whatever you’re feeling in a group, given the shared ground, chances are that at least one other person is feeling or experiencing something similar. If you ‘voice’ your feeling, issue, difficulty, you may be a voice for a part of the whole.

At least one crisp-shirted alpha-dominant participant was secretly wiping clammy hands. Whether they had the guts to speak up? Now that’s another question. Evidently, they didn’t or you would’ve had their support. But it can be comforting to know you definitely weren’t alone with your thoughts and feelings.  And sometimes, when we take the risk of speaking up, we act as leaders. Our courage encourages others and before you know it, you have a sub-set of people all with the same opinion, and you start to have some influence. This is what Yvonne Agazarian, the architect of Systems -Centred therapy calls ‘subgrouping’. Yup, that’s when we start getting the conversation ball back in our court.

Secondly, think on this…. you can empower your mind through your body!

Sensorimotor therapy (Ogden, P and Fisher, J) understands that the body, mind and emotions are connected in a feedback loop. When we experience powerlessness we often feel energetically low and highly anxious. To counter this, you can experiment with lengthening your spine. Try sitting or standing straighter. This helps to regulate the nervous system and balances energy. The movement in our body sends signals to our brain to either energise or calm down. In this way we feel more in control and more able to hold the gaze of the boardroom buffoons. Perhaps with even with a little smile playing at the corner of our tinted cinnamon glossed lips.

Connecting with your core is another Sensorimotor technique. You do this by pulling your tummy in, just like you do in a Pilates class, so you get a nice solid feeling in your middle. Try it now and see how it feels? It shouldn’t’ feel like a work out. But just see what it’s like to lengthen your spine and pull your tummy in. Notice how you feel before you try this and then try it. Once you’ve done it at home you can try it in the meeting for a few seconds. Then relax and notice how you feel in your body and emotionally afterwards. Just doing this as I type this response, I feel more open and uplifted in my chest.

Squaring off your shoulders is something else you can try if you need to match the testosterone fuelled energy in the meeting room. Do this whilst you lengthen your spine, pull in your tummy and take back control!

Thirdly, reframe your experience as a ‘part’ of you. 

The feeling of powerlessness in the boardroom doesn’t define you. According to the theory of Structural Dissociation (Van der Hart et al), we all have different parts or aspects of us. How we act at work differs from how we are with a partner or with friends. Reframing your powerlessness as a ‘part’ that gets triggered helps you to feel less out of control.

Then ask, “what does this part need to feel better?” You can imagine it as a younger part of you. Does it need to feel strong? Does it need to feel like it belongs? Does it need to feel safe?

Let’s say my triggered part feels powerless. I remember a time when I felt influential. I gave a speech at my university graduation and audience members came up afterwards, eager to get to know me.

Using a technique from EMDR therapy (Shapiro, F), bring this positive memory to mind as vividly as possible. If it’s an image of a family gathering, imagine the room, the smells, the tastes and the quality of the light. Notice where you feel the good feeling in your body. When it’s strong you can tap alternately on one knee and then the other up to 15 times. You can repeat this 3 to 5 times. 

The bi-lateral stimulation reinforces the neural networks connected to power. Visualising activates them and tapping helps to strengthen them. A bit like adding extra voltage to the lights on the Christmas tree so the glow brighter. 

But what if I’ve never felt powerful? That doesn’t matter. Can you think of someone else? It can be either a person you know or someone you don’t know at all like Barack Obama or Angela Merkel. Then carry on with the visualisation as above.

Once you’ve tapped this image in, you can bring it to mind before the meeting.  Or even in the middle of the meeting for a second or two. Don’t worry, you don’t need to tap after the first time!  Although tapping in itself activates the parasympathetic nervous system and some of my clients confess to using it in meetings!

If things get critical, what’s to stop you popping to the restroom and recalling the resource image as you lengthen your spine and pull in your core? 

There you have it, three tips to nail that killer meeting. Make sure to try them in the spirit of ‘experimenting’ and not something you can get wrong. Even getting a bit of relief is positive and the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Go get ‘em, girlfriend! Relish the moment when all eyes are shining on you with respect and admiration. Enjoy the warm, uplifting yet calm feeling inside as you realise you’ve just nailed-that-meeting-once-and-for-all! 

Oh, and don’t forget to let me know how it went. Nothing like sharing in on a bit of schadenfreude ;)

References

Agazarian, Y, M (2006), “ Systems- Centered Practice”, Karnac, London.

 Hodges C. (2003), “Creative processes in Gestalt group therapy”, in Spagnuolo Lobb M., Amendt-Lyon N. (eds.), Creative license: the art of Gestalt therapy, New York, Springer.

 Ogden, P and Fisher, J, (2015), “Sensorimotor Psychotherapy”, New York, Norton.

 Shapiro, F (2001), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures. New York, Guildford Press.

 Van der Hart, Nijenhuis & Steele, (2006) “The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatisation. New York, Norton.

How to Save the Relationship - 3 Critical Changes to Make Before It's Too Late

First published and edited by Elephant Journal.

“How will I know if he really loves me?”

The late Whitney Houston sings in the background. The couple is looking at the floor, glum and stuck. They’ve been in the same situation of “not knowing” for two years. The relationship is not moving forward and yet neither of them want to break up. The same cycle plays out like a broken record, a relationship punctuated by regular dramas. Each blow up resets it to zero. They have split up and got back together more times than they can remember. It’s a tiring dance that can’t last much longer.

Been in this situation? I have, as have many of the clients I’ve worked with.

The start of the relationship feels like a meeting of kindred spirits. The other person ticks many of the boxes that had been left unticked in the past. They “get” us. They share our values. They care. They understand our quirks. They even have similar quirks. We feel like best friends and lovers. They are interested in us as and not just as a sex object. But the sex is intense. A dream gets ignited. A hope of a happy future with this person is born.

Then, the disharmony starts.

We see parts of them that don’t fit the person we fell in love with. We feel stunned, disenchanted, repelled. So, we walk away and feel unbearably sad. We talk to them in our heads. We miss them when we do new things. We revisit the relationship. That hope or dream is still alive and burning in our hearts.

We try again. And it happens again. And again. And again. Each time, we gather more evidence for why the other person is the “bad guy.” We stockpile this “evidence” to make a case for why we can’t commit to the relationship fully. We say, “If only he/she would sort out their issues then this relationship would improve.” Yet we don’t leave because we still hope, we still dream, and beneath all the disharmony, we still love. The relationship sways back and forth like a swing in a deserted playground.

Smell the coffee.

When we are only willing to commit if the other person changes, then things will never improve. Individuals attach different meanings to the word “commitment,” but essentially, it’s about saying “yes” to the relationship and deciding to step on board with both feet.

We shift from focussing on what they are doing wrong and look at the part we play. As Gestalt therapist Robert Resnick says, “relationships are co-created.” We are 100 percent responsible for our part and how we react to our partner’s “flawed behaviour.” We play our part in the dynamic. We defend, we blame, we withdraw, we meet for coffee, and then we play again. Since a relationship is a system, any small change will inevitably change the entire system.

Snakes and Ladders is a board game, not a relationship.

When we only engage conditionally, then, we keep the relationship suspended and uncertain. These are hardly the right conditions for either of us to take an honest look at ourselves and be open to behaving differently. It’s like a parent telling their child who is struggling at school that if she gets good grades then they will love her. She will most likely become so anxious that she sabotages her own success.

Feeling motivated to do better comes from standing on firm ground. When we are anxious about the security of the relationship and whether the other is “in” or “out,” we don’t feel safe enough to focus on what we bring to the table. But we try nevertheless. Then we stumble and we get told, “There you go, I told you so, you just can’t help your bad character.” 

We start to attack and defend. The pendulum swings. When we are more “in,” the other is more “out.” When the other is more “out,” we are more “in.” We are never on the same page at the same time. With each incidence, we hurtle back down the ladder and start at zero. But still, we stay. And things stay the same. Up and down and a merry-go-round. We are stuck.

Just step in.

Gestalt Therapy theory talks of polarities. Think yin and yang, day and night. Where one behaviour exists, the polarity also exists. Within a shy person, there is an extrovert. Within a compliant person, there is a bossy person. When we don’t acknowledge both polarities, then we behave in an unbalanced way. Relationships also have polarity behaviours. What’s the opposite of staying on the fence? You got it—commitment!

…And commit.

Committing means no more conditions and blame. It means stopping the dance of pursuing, distancing, and showing up naked in the ring in front of the other. It means closing the exits and giving the relationship a chance to thrive. It means seeing disharmony as something to overcome and learn from—not as an excuse to exit.

It means deciding to not play the same old relational record on repeat. It’s tiring, confusing, demoralising, and clearly not working. It means addressing our “madness” and how the other triggers that in us.

Still scared? Deal with it!

We feel cautious. Can we trust the other? What if we go for it and it doesn’t work out? As Gestalt Therapy theory says, “whenever we take the risk of doing things differently we feel anxious.” It can’t be helped. It’s part of life. We can only avoid uncertainty and anxiety if we die.

Stop looking for perfection because you won’t find it. We work on accepting that our partner is a flawed human being, just as we are. Stop looking for your soulmate, because you wouldn’t know them if they were jumping up and down naked in front of you.

Philosopher Alain de Botton, in his refreshing and down-to-earth The Course of Love, discusses the concept of the soulmate, which arose with the romanticism period of European history. Until then, families chose matches that were mutually beneficial. We are supposed to recognise our soulmate instantly. We search high and low for that special person that feels “just right.” But as de Botton says,

“None of this has anything yet to do with a love story. Love stories begin…not when they have every opportunity to run away, but when they have exchanged solemn vows promising to hold us, and be held captive by us, for life.”

Chemistry is for the school science lab.

Dr. Young, who devised Schema Therapy, says that strong chemistry with someone can be a warning sign that we are attracted because they are similar to the parents that wounded us. For example, the woman abandoned by her father who chooses unavailable men. Or the man with the depressed mother who falls in love with a depressive.

The relationship won’t reveal itself like a flower growing in shit. You need to do the work. Rake the shit and prepare the ground.

Here’s how:

1. Stop blaming and criticising.

Psychotherapist Susan Anderson has coined the term “outer child,” which is the part of us that blames and criticises the other. The part that sabotages relationships. Similarly, schema therapy describes the “angry child” mode. We all have one. It directs itself at us as and tells us we are crap. We can start to become aware of it, even track it. We can also monitor the amount of blaming and critical thoughts we have toward our partner, and balance them out by thinking about what we like about our partner.

2. Stop defending.

We can stop defending ourselves so readily. Sometimes, we can’t admit to stuff because we believe (deep down) that to do so makes us a bad person. We will do anything to defend ourselves from the shame, which comes from a negative core belief. We might believe that “making a mistake” or “being imperfect” makes us a bad, defective, and flawed person.

Conversely, if my self-worth is not attached to my behaviour then I can say, “You’re right, I’m sorry for taking out my bad mood on you.” I still feel confident that I’m a good and lovable person. If acknowledging blame means I am now an awful, despicable, condemned person then, of course, I will defend myself like my life depends on it.

Unfortunately, many of us were parented in ways that fostered shame. Gestalt Therapist Robert Lee conducted a study on the internalised shame on marital intimacy. He found that couples with high internalised shame scored low in both marital intimacy and marital satisfaction. So, start challenging those negative core beliefs and believe you are entirely worthy and acceptable.

3. Ditch the ‘”if” and stay with the “now.”

In the heat of the moment when the other triggers us and we feel intense anger, anxiety, jealousy, or whatever else, we can use the mindfulness technique of embracing the feelings without acting on them.

You might need to take some space in order to do so. I don’t mean leave the relationship though! Tara Brach, psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher, has a great technique called the “Yes” meditation. Rather than resisting everything that is “wrong” we embrace it.

If I’ve had a spat with my partner, I distance myself physically, close my eyes, and focus on my feelings and body sensations. Firstly, I notice everything I don’t like. I don’t like what they have said. I don’t like that they have “triggered” me. I don’t like that I have fallen for the trigger. I don’t like that I got angry. I don’t like the whole situation, in fact, I hate it. I’ve had enough! And then I practice saying “yes” to every element I don’t like. I notice there is more space and I uncover a tender spot in my heart. My feelings become less intense and I can reflect in a more balanced way on how I want to respond to the situation.

If you do this, I cannot guarantee that you will live happily ever after. Things happen, life changes, jobs change, kids are born, parents die.

I cannot guarantee you will stay together. But it’s highly likely you will reclaim your broken parts and feel more whole, which is a much better foundation on which to build a love story.

References:

Anderson, S. ‘Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment’, (2015), New World Library, California.

De Botton, A., ‘The Course of Love’, (2017), Penguin, UK.

Lee, R.G. (1994b). The Effect of Internalised Shame on Marital Intimacy. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Fielding.

Yes, Our Parents Probably Screwed us Up a Little—Don’t Skip the Therapy.

Edited and first published by Elephant Journal.

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.”

~ Philip Larkin, “This Be The Verse”

Some clients arrive for their first therapy session skeptical, worried, or downright reluctant to talk about their childhoods.

I assure them I have no interest in getting them to do something they don’t want. Nevertheless, if they are willing, then I am curious—exploring their childhoods helps me to understand their concerns more fully. What they say is often something along the lines of:

“It feels indulgent, like I’m feeling sorry for myself when other people have had it so much worse.”

“That was then and this is now, and I don’t see how dwelling on the past can help me today.”

“I had a very happy childhood, and I don’t want to blame my parents.”

You probably don’t want to talk about your childhood because it fucked you up. And unprocessed childhood stuff can manifest as:

Negative Core Beliefs

The reasons given above are telling in themselves. Deeming oneself as “indulgent” suggests we have a critical inner voice. I could challenge you by asking, “What’s the problem with being ‘indulgent’ in your personal therapy session? What would that mean—to be seen as indulgent?”

Often, if we pursue the line of inquiry, it comes back to a fear of being somehow “wrong” or “unlikeable.” Childhood is often the time when these types of negative core beliefs are picked up.

Emotional Crises

Not wanting to dwell on the past might also mean we want to avoid difficult feelings. However, the fact that we are experiencing mental health issues in the present suggests that these difficult feelings, although avoided, are still around in a different form.

It is also highly likely that we use that same defence mechanism—of minimising our feelings by not dwelling on the past—in the present, too. We get angry but don’t say anything. We feel hurt but keep quiet. We feel scared but put on a brave face. This leads to a car-crash of emotions that pop up in unwieldy ways, such as panic attacks, violent outbursts, or floods of tears at inappropriate moments.

Self-Blame

The phrase, “I had a very happy childhood” coming from a client who is evidently suffering would make any good therapist’s ears prick up. It suggests a black and white, childlike way of categorising experiences as either very happy or very unhappy, with no room for grey areas.

What did you do, as a child, with experiences that didn’t fit into that category of “very happy?” After all, we cannot have been very happy all of the time, even with the best of parents.

Often, we have a strong sense that talking about our parents in a less than flattering way is wrong and makes us a “bad” daughter or son. We feel guilty for criticising our parents. We do not differentiate between our parents who may have had the best of intentions, and their behaviours, which may not always have been helpful, and could have been downright hurtful. We prefer to blame ourselves.

But if we don’t talk about it, we will likely remain fucked up.

According to Dr. Jeffrey Young, who devised Schema Therapy, our parents are responsible for providing: 1) nurturance, including reassurance, attention, affection, warmth, and companionship, 2) empathy,including understanding, interest, self-disclosure, and mutual sharing of feelings, and 3) protection,including strength, direction, and guidance.

Even in a household where the children grew into reasonably functional adults, they may have experienced parenting deficits.

I’ve worked with many clients who are very successful in several areas of life but suffer a highly critical inner voice, lack of self-esteem, high anxiety levels, or relationship black holes.

When exploring their childhoods, they discover that even if their parents meant well, something was missing in the quality of their relationships.

Perhaps nothing less than achieving 100 percent in school was acceptable, and the child would end up feeling “not good enough” if they came home with 95 percent. Maybe either or both parents found it difficult to express their own vulnerability, so the child grew up with no model about how to express emotions.

Perhaps one of the parents had a volatile temper so that even if their child felt protected most of the time, at other times they felt petrified around them. It may have been that one or both parents were so preoccupied with their own career that their child felt like an obligation on their to-do list rather than a person who they were genuinely interested to know.

So, here’s the thing: we need to talk about it.

It is only by recognising these relational deficits that we can identify where our negative core beliefs have come from and start to disentangle ourselves from them.

As adults, we now have the intellectual maturity—and perhaps the help of an outside therapist’s perspective—to recognise that just because our parent didn’t spend time with us, that didn’t mean we were unlovable. Just because our parent never seemed happy with anything less than 100 percent, that was their “stuff” and not ours, and did not make us “not good enough.” Just because our parent had a terrible temper and would say horrible stuff to us, that had absolutely nothing to do with us.

It’s about recognising that however we behaved as kids, our parents were the adults who were supposed to protect, nurture, and guide us. They could have loved us dearly and had the best of intentions, but this doesn’t mean we always felt like they were doing their job.

By identifying their behaviours rather than blaming them, and by challenging the negative core beliefs we unthinkingly picked up, we can also learn not to condemn ourselves in the here and now. We have less need to put up a front to others. We can be more open. We are more likely to put ourselves out there and recover more quickly when we fall.

To stop playing unhealthy patterns on repeat.

Sigmund Freud first coined the term “repetition compulsion.”

This refers to doing something over and over again due to an unfinished and subconscious experience from childhood that wants to be completed, or processed.

For example, if as a young child, we experienced feelings of abandonment, grief, loss, shock, and rage when one of our parents left the family home, what happened to these feelings? Let’s say we were under five. We might have cried or behaved differently, maybe stopped talking, become more withdrawn, or started wetting the bed. However, since we weren’t able to articulate our inner state so that an adult could sit down with us and help us to understand our feelings, our only way of coping was to suppress them.

And what if the person who evoked strong, difficult, and overwhelming feelings is also our main caregiver? The sarcastic mother’s cutting words chill her little girl’s heart, who, yearning for love, buries her shame to be her momma’s “good girl.” Children, terrorised by their violent father’s drinking binge, “forget” about their overwhelming powerlessness and helplessness when their dad apologises and says he’ll never do it again.

These feelings need to be processed just as rain drops need to fall, just as a pendulum needs to swing, just as an apple tree needs to grow apples.

This is what Gestalt Therapy theory calls “organismic regulation.” When we keep playing the same old unhealthy patterns, like falling in love with unavailable partners who abandon us, or marrying abusive partners where we feel trapped and powerless, or dating arseholes who treat us badly—those are our buried feelings stomping up and down, waving red-faced and screaming, “Wake the fuck up! Grab this opportunity to heal so you can start doing life differently.”

For this to happen, we need to talk about your childhood.

To feel more at peace in the present:

Coming back to those overwhelmingly difficult childhood feelings that were not processed, what happens when a current situation provokes the same feeling? How can we allow ourselves to feel it if we’ve never learned how? How can we get angry with someone when we’ve never learned how to “do” anger?

Some might reply that they don’t need to feel anger, but anger is a perfectly valid emotion and is as worthy and equal as any other emotion. It’s how we express it that can be problematic, not the emotion itself.

According to Gestalt Therapy theory, the function of emotions is to act as messengers. They let us know what it is we need and want from others and from ourselves. Once we know that, we can do something about it. So, if we do not acknowledge all of our emotions, we have a bit of a problem. It means that we limp through life without getting what we need. Depression and anxiety, among other symptoms, are the consequences of that lack of support.

Say, as a child, we didn’t allow ourselves to feel abandonment rage because it wasn’t acknowledged by anyone. It feels overwhelming and scary, so we bury it.

Then, our abandonment stuff gets triggered by a partner who says he is going on holiday with his family rather than us. The anger is there but we don’t allow ourselves to feel it. We feel anxious instead. Or we start to numb ourselves and withdraw from the relationship. Or we start to make cutting comments and become passive-aggressive.

We do anything rather than allow ourselves to feel anger, as that just feels way too risky. Thus, we don’t get to say, “I feel annoyed that you’re going on holiday with your family. It makes me think I’m not that important to you.”

Being able to say this could open up dialogue to find some kind of compromise or at least be assured that you are important to your partner. Taking the risk of expressing anger and having it well received gives you the new experience that expressing anger is okay. By not expressing it, you are playing by the old rules that you learned as a child—that getting angry got you nowhere, it was futile, and it tended to boomerang back onto you.

This goes for other feelings too. For example, and without wanting to oversimplify, buried shame can lead to perfectionism and being hyper-critical. Buried fear might manifest as obsessive compulsive disorder and controlling behaviour. Suppressed grief is often linked to depression.

The idea of allowing these feelings is scary because they were scary when we were children. However, taking the risk of allowing them in the present leads to feeling all the other “child-like” feelings that might have also been suppressed. such as joy, excitement, courage, and a sense of empowerment.

“Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can”

So, like Philip Larkin, I suggest you get the hell out of misery as early as you can and to do that, let’s sit down and talk!
~

 
Author: Alexandra Schlotterbeck
Image: simpleinsomnia/Flickr; Xavier Sotomayor/Unsplash
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Copy Editor: Travis May
Social Editor: Callie Rushton

From Stress-y to Sexy – The #1 Way to Bed Anxiety. Hint: It’s in your rhythm baby!

Sighing, panting, gasping...yawning.

Our breathing changes as our thoughts, feelings and behaviour change.  As we become worried, excited, elated, depressed or aroused, our breathing becomes shorter, jerkier, longer, deeper, shallower or smoother. What if the reverse were true? What if our breathing could change our thoughts, feelings and behaviour? What if breathing the right way meant more personal excellence and less anxiety and anger?  

Anxiety shows up in many ways from the more well-known symptoms like tight chest and throat, sweating, increased heart rate, nausea to the less obvious such as memory loss, insomnia and many others. It’s part of life, and yet for some of us it has too much of a hold.

The Kama Sutra of breathing…. backed by neuroscience!

I have taken this material from Dr Alan Watkins’ Ted Talk on You Tube called ‘How To Be Brilliant Every Day’. It's important to view part 1 and 2. I’ve used it with clients who have found it very helpful. Some are sceptical about breathing exercises to reduce anxiety. They say that in the middle of an anxiety attack the last thing they remember is breathing techniques. Others say that the usual breathing exercises prescribed make them more anxious because they worry about getting the technique right. Some others have tried breathing techniques and doubt they work as they have simply not found them effective. So why not give it a twirl? What have you go to lose?

My Lips Don’t lie

Firstly, Dr Watkins explains the neuroscience behind the technique which may help convince you. Secondly, the technique is easy to follow and you can download a free App in order to do so. Lastly, breathing exercises are most effective when done regularly, even if only 3 minutes three times per day. In this way, the baseline level of anxiety is kept lower which means an anxiety attack is less likely. The exercises thus act in a preventative way. So, it’s not really fair to write off breathing until you have tried doing it regularly.

Coherent breathing is useful not just to reduce anxiety but to increase any type of performance be it sports, business, academic performance, relationship, sexual. He explains that It’s not our thoughts that affect our feelings but our feelings that affect our thoughts. That’s why, when someone tells you not to worry when you are anxious, it’s like trying to use a garden hose to put out a raging forest fire.

Wild thing, you make my heart sing

Let’s imagine we have different layers. The bottom layer is our physiology. This is our heart beating, breathing, gut peristalsis etc. It is experienced as a stream of data.  Next level up are our emotions. E-motions are energy in motion, the energy of our physiology. Next layer up are our feelings. Feelings are the awareness in our minds of our emotions. Lastly come our thoughts.

When our physiology is out of whack we lobotomise ourselves. When our reptilian brain senses a threat, it goes into fight, flight or freeze. This is great when there is a real threat but the trouble is, our body gets it wrong. If we’ve suffered some kind of trauma in the past, our body can react as if we are in threat and go into a full-blown anxiety attack when we are tucked up in bed watching Netflix with a cup of cocoa.

In order to achieve brilliance every day we need to be able to tune in to the emotions and control them.

How do we do that?

Keep my heart rate coherent, baby.

The more the distance between each heart beat varies over time, the more incoherent our thinking and behaviour becomes.  We start to produce more cortisol which is associated with anxiety, anger and frustration.

Steady on…and breathe

 We need to aim for stable variance by taking rhythmic breaths. Within a minute our frontal lobes start working better and we become more perceptive, insightful and good at problem solving. This is where coherent differs from yoga or other breathing exercises which may focus on deep breathing or belly breathing. Here it doesn’t matter how deep or large the breathing. It doesn’t even matter what the ratio is. All that matters is that you breathe:

·      rhythmically

·      smoothly

·      focusing on your heart

It doesn’t matter how fast you are doing it, so long as you are doing it rhythmically. Dr Watkins says the reason to focus on the heart area is that not only does it get you out of your head but the heart is also the locus of passion, excitement and motivation so these get promoted.

That’s it, you've got it! ;)

Breathe

Rhythmically and

Evenly

Through the

Heart

Everyday

If you want an app to help with it then go to:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/coherent-breathing-assistant/id1121704122?mt=8

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.rrr.macoherencecardiaque&hl=en_GB

Should I Stay or Should I Go? The 4 Questions You Need to Ask If You Want to Break Up with No Regrets

Recently a few of my clients have been contemplating whether it’s time to end therapy. Recently, other of my clients have been contemplating whether to end their romantic relationships. Should I stay or should I go and how do I know?

Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy says, ‘as the client comes under their own steam, so should they go’.  A premise of Gestalt Therapy is that ultimately the client knows best what they need.  The job of the therapist is to facilitate awareness of blind spots so that they can make a more informed decision Thus, as I said to both sets of clients, I can help you to explore your situation and the reasons for wanting to stay and go. Hopefully this will give you a greater perspective and help you to grasp more fully the dynamics at play. This is true both for a therapeutic or a romantic relationship.

1.     What might you be avoiding?

In therapy, there is what we call an ‘escape into health’. This describes the process of a client moving quickly from struggling with an issue to feeling a lot better within a couple of sessions. I’m not saying that very brief and successful therapy is not possible however the ‘escape into health’ phenomenon describes how a client avoids the uncomfortable process of exploring the contributing factors to their distress and the resulting need to make behavioural changes which cause anxiety. After all, however much we want to change, there is always a part of us that doesn’t: the part that clings to the better-known devil. 

Similarly, in romantic relationships, there is the well-known honeymoon phase that can last anything from three months to a year or until after you get married. Then things get real. The intensity of the attraction lessens, we no longer feel so ‘in love’ with our partner and start to see them for more of the person that they are, flaws and all. We realise we have less in common than we thought and that ensuring we are on the same page does not happen telepathically. It takes work. It takes conversations. It takes trying to understand the others’ point of view. It takes compromise. It takes times of doing stuff that we don’t really feel like doing because we want to make our partner happy or because it’s good for the relationship. On the other hand, it could be tempting to keep an eye on our dating apps where our profile is still live. Maybe that next person who has made us their ‘favourite’ could be better for us?

Do I stay or do I go?

What might I be avoiding?

2.     Which pattern might you be repeating?

In therapy, I ask my client in the first session if they have had therapy before and if so, what they found helpful and how did it end. Someone who has had several therapists and who found them all useless is a big red flag. The chances are that I will join the list of useless past therapists as well, unless we can agree to be curious about this pattern in order to gain more awareness and hopefully change it.

There are many reasons why we might jump ship early. The fear of the vulnerability that comes with emotional intimacy is a key player. Dr Young describes the Abandonment Schema. We can abandon the ‘other’ when our abandonment fear is triggered. As a child, we may have experienced abandonment because our parent/s were preoccupied with work, depressed, alcoholics, divorced, working away from home, or for many other reasons. We may have felt abandoned by our parents when our sibling was born. Feelings of abandonment often occur when we are pre-verbal so it is not something that we can look back on and identify rationally. It pops up in other ways for example behaving in such a way that we push people away or ‘close down’ on them emotionally or sexually when they get too close. The classic symptom is to abandon them first by jumping ship from therapy or our romantic relationship when we start to feel too vulnerable.

Do I stay or do I go?

Which unhelpful pattern may I be repeating?

3.     How are you expressing your resentments?

I’m a therapist and I’m also a flawed human being like all the others on the planet. It is entirely to be expected that as therapy progresses I might say something or not say something that doesn’t land well with you. There may be a look I have on my face that you interpret as uncaring or a question I ask that triggers your inner critic. It might be difficult for you to express your hurt, annoyance, frustration or resentment with me. Perhaps you had no model for expressing these types of feelings in an assertive way in your own child. Perhaps your fear of hurting ‘the other’ is so great that you cannot bring yourself to say anything. Perhaps you fear that if you did say something that you would not be able to control your own rage. So as therapy proceeds with these unspoken resentments, you start to feel more and more distant from the process. You start to focus more and more on what is not right.

The same goes for romantic relationships. When either one or both individuals are fearful of expressing their resentments directly, there are consequences. All of a sudden, we feel less alive in the relationship, our desire wanes, we numb our resentments but the price we pay is our excitement also gets walled off. If we are both doing this then we react to each other’s behaviour and interpret our partner as withdrawing from us which makes us feel defensive and so we withdraw even more. Eventually we find ourselves both in a kind of stale mate. Leaving might seem like the best option. We tell our friends that the relationship has run its course, that we just fell out of love with our partner, that there is something missing.

Do I stay or do I go?

Which resentments have I not expressed?

4.     Do you know what you truly need?

Gestalt Therapy places a lot of emphasis on response-ability, the ability to respond to a situation in order to get what we need. However, a large number of us struggle with knowing what we need. In order to know what we need, we need to know what we feel. Feelings are the messengers that convey our needs. For example, I feel sad therefore I need to be comforted. I feel lonely therefore I want company. I feel angry therefore I need to assert my boundaries with someone. It’s difficult to know what you want to get out of therapy if it’s difficult for you to know what you need. It’s even more difficult for the therapy to be helpful if you do not know what you need.

Note that in the line above I didn’t’ say that the therapist should be helpful. This would imply that the therapist is responsible for identifying and meeting your needs rather than you yourself. We can feel disappointed, frustrated or even enraged when we realise the person we are paying for therapy cannot just ‘fix’ us and that merely turning up for the session is not enough for change to take place. But if a therapist were to ‘fix’ you then they would be disempowering you by leading you to believe that you are not able to fix yourself. Whilst I can’t tell you what you need, I can help you explore what gets in the way of knowing for yourself. Until that point of understanding it might be premature to end therapy.

A negative core belief out of awareness is often what gets in the way of knowing what you need. It goes something like this, “I am not entitled to need anything” or “if I ask for what I need I will not get it and will be a bad person”, or “in order to get what I need I have to meet the others’ needs first”.  Theses core beliefs are problematic in therapy and also in our romantic relationships. We may choose partners who do not meet our needs, or we may choose partners that do but we cannot recognise that. We may have a hard time getting our needs met in our relationships because we cannot articulate them. It could be easy in that case to decide it’s not the right relationship for us. Or we might ‘project’ our missing needs onto an outside romantic interest, thinking that they might be a better option when in reality even if we got with them, a year down the line we would start to feel the same emptiness.  Alternatively, we may stay with someone to keep them happy but we don’t actually know whether the relationship is right for us.

The key to all these situations is to take the time to find out how you block yourself from knowing what your needs are, challenging the unhealthy beliefs and making yourself responsible for meeting your needs. At this point you can separate out what you want, which might be a partner with a six-pack, five years’ younger, 50k richer and a Hollywood smile, from what you need, a partner who is warm, caring, consistent and most importantly into you and the relationship. Or, after taking the necessary time to ascertain your needs you may establish that you are staying with someone because you ‘should’ and that your core needs are very different. Perhaps you fear being alone. In which case, we would look at challenging those fears and looking at how you can support yourself better on your own.

Do I stay or do I go?

Is this what I want or what I need?

Relationships, whether they are therapeutic or romantic can share similar doubts and uncertainties. Where we are unsure, there is often something to explore. Deciding to stay or go when we have understood more fully the dynamics at play means that we can either leave with less regret and guilt, or stay with more certainty. So, do you stay or do you go? Let me know after you have fully and honestly answered the above questions!

What if I’m going crazy? What if it's contaminated? What if I lose her? - How to Be Free of OCD

OCD refers to obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviour. These can include obsessive thoughts around four types of vulnerabilities which are: 1) health and illness, 2) danger, 3) poverty and 4) losing control.  Specifically, we can think obsessively about sex, death, relationships and contamination, amongst others. We may behave compulsively by cleaning, checking and double-checking or repeatedly asking our partner the same question. We also tend to avoid certain situations which make us feel particularly anxious. On a physical level, it is common to experience a tightness in our chests, shallow breathing, sweaty palms, palpitations, dizziness or brain fog when in the grips of obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviours. We may also generally feel low in mood, lonely, empty and tired because of our condition. 

What If?

Underlying the specific nature of the thoughts and behavour is the ‘what if’ question. For example, ‘what if I didn’t lock the door on my way out?’ Or, ‘what if the food I am eating is contaminated?’ Or, ‘what if I picked up the knife and tried to stab someone else (or myself) and what if this means that I am going crazy? In his highly acclaimed book, ‘Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Personalised Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty, Dr Jonathan Grayson explains that regardless of what the specific nature of the OCD is, the bottom line is the difficulty living with uncertainty. He goes on to say that whilst we all struggle with uncertainty to an extent, particularly around the existential uncertainties in life such as birth, death, life changes etc., those with OCD find uncertainty and the resulting anxiety, particularly difficult to manage. This is at the core of the disorder, regardless of the specific thoughts and behaviours. Indeed, it is common for the nature of the OCD to change over a lifetime. One might start with obsessive thoughts about killing oneself or another and then move on to obsessive thoughts about whether we really love our partner. It is common for OCD symptoms to disappear for months to years or to at least subside and feel more manageable and then to reappear or worsen at life transitions such as graduation, changing profession, getting married, having children or retiring. We can imagine the present subject or subjects of our OCD as the current actors on the stage whilst the difficulty with uncertainty, the backdrop to the scene, remains the same. The scenes and the actors come and go but it is the backdrop, the difficultly with uncertainty which does not change. I use this metaphor because in terms of treatment it can feel tempting to want to ‘talk out’ the OCD. Often this might lead to feeling better temporarily, however since the underlying issue is around uncertainty and no therapist can give us 100% assurance on a ‘what if’ question, it is far more fruitful initially to focus on the difficulty with uncertainty.

Why do some individuals find uncertainty so difficult?

Clinical research shows that there can be neurological differences in some OCD sufferers. To simplify greatly, this means that there are some neural pathways going from the orbital frontal cortex to the cingulate gyrus, to the thalamus and back to the orbital frontal cortexwhich act as a negative feedback loop. See this explanation from the BBC http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/articles/disorders/causesofocd.shtml

These parts of the brain are responsible for OCD like behaviour. When one of these parts is not working properly then we can have OCD symptoms. Other research suggests that OCD is linked to a  low level of serotonin. For this reason it is worthwhile considering the option of taking an SSRI or anti-anxiety medication, particularly if therapy alone does not help or if there is also low mood, dysthymia or depression. In my experience, clients are often wary of becoming reliant or medication or think that they should be able to ’sort their problems out on their own’. I suggest that taking medication should be discussed with a psychiatrist but can been viewed as an additional support. Sometimes we feel too overwhelmed with our OCD symptoms to be able to engage in therapy. In these cases, medication can help take the edge off, particularly since starting therapy can sometimes temporarily increase our anxiety and worsen our symptoms. However in my clinical experience, whilst medication can improve symptoms, it is not enough to stop them and this is why therapy is also necessary.

What is the treatment for OCD? 

Exploration of Adverse Childhood Experiences

Whilst some argue that OCD is purely a biological matter, I have found that all OCD clients have experienced significant circumstances in their childhood where there was a backdrop of uncertainty and a feeling of not being in control. Sometimes it takes bit of exploration to identify this. Many of us feel very protective of our parents. We might feel guilty exploring childhood difficulties with a therapist, as if we are betraying our parents. It is also fairly common not to remember too much about our childhood or to emphasise how we were so lucky and had such a good childhood. The fact is that however good our childhood was, we all experienced some hurts, upsets, minor traumas or full-blown trauma along the way. This is simply because our parents are human and no human is perfect. Even the most well -meaning parents may have unintentionally negatively impacted their child or children. Whether it is because they parented in the same way as they were parented so thought that their behaviour was normal. Or because they were not fully available to their child due to overworking, depression, alcoholism or OCD, amongst others. In fact it is common for an OCD sufferer to have a parent who also struggles. Sometimes the parental wounding can simply be because you have different temperaments. For example, an outgoing mother with a shy introverted child might unintentionally wound the child when she insists that they sing in front of the whole family at every family gathering. 

Schema Therapy

A common theme in childhood experience of OCD sufferers is having felt ‘not good enough’ or insignificant. Perhaps there was conflict in the marital home and the child was not given the attention they needed. Perhaps one had to compete with other siblings who demanded more of our parents’ attention due to special needs. Maybe we were bullied at school and didn’t tell anyone so didn’t get the support we needed. Perhaps we had a parent with a volatile temper and felt as if we were constantly living on egg shells. We might at times have felt alone, insignificant and lacking the reassurance and empathy we needed from one of our key care givers. Dr Jeffrey Young created Schema Therapy which is an effective tool for uncovering childhood situations which have left an unhealthy mark on our psyche. Schema Therapy also provides a treatment model for how to heal these schema. Schema is the name coined to refer tothe particular type of difficult childhood circumstances we experienced that still impact us in an unhelpful way today. These do not need to be ‘ Big T’ traumas. Often ongoing and seemly low-grade traumas such as a parent being preoccupied with depression can have just as damaging an effect.  There are around 18 different schema and the one which relates to OCD is the Vulnerability to Harm and Illness schema.

Gestalt Therapy 

Gestalt therapy posits that anxiety is the feeling of excitement when we are not allowing ourselves to fully breathe. The Gestalt definition of excitement refers to the whole range of outward going and forceful e-motions including not only excitement but all types of anger from feeling irked, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry, enraged, hateful, spiteful, malicious, vindictive and murderous, to name but a few. In my experience, clients with OCD often have a difficult relationship with anger. They believe that anger is a ‘bad’ emotion and that it is unhealthy. They may try to bypass their anger. Either we don't feel anger at all or we bottle it up or get angry with ‘the world’, current affairs or  public transport services, for example. We find it difficult to own and express anger assertively and directly to another, usually a significant other. We might be passive-aggressive or deflect our anger by getting irate with the shopkeeper who short-changed us rather than our partner who pissed us off. We fear that expressing anger directly is risky and that we may end up losing the person we love if we do so. We have normally learned early in our childhood that getting angry is risky. We may instead internalise our angry feelings and become angry with ourselves. A common denominator in all OCD clients I have worked with is the very critical inner voice. Often clients are accompanied by a constant narrative about just how terrible, incompetent or ridiculous they are for having OCD symptoms. They blame and get frustrated with themselves. This then causes us to feel even worse about ourselves and never resolves our OCD. Therefore an important part of therapy is exploring how we learned that expressing anger was risky, how we can learn to express it appropriately, and how we can develop a more compassionate voice to ourselves.  Often this  includes experiential work where we look at where the misplaced anger really belongs and where we fight back against the original person who made us feel bad as a child.

CBT

This is clinically proven to be effective in the treatment of OCD. It is premised on the idea that our thoughts affect our feelings which then affect our behaviours. For example a thought such as ‘what if I were to pick up that knife and cut my wrists?’ leads to a feeling of anxiety and a behaviour of eliminating all knives from the house. If we can challenge our thought and replace it with something more helpful then we don’t feel anxious and we are ok with knives in the house. Challenging the thoughts and beliefs entails firstly logging them to see what kind of unhelpful inner talk we have, and then analysing them for cognitive distortions such as catastrophic thinking, ‘black and white thinking’, fortune telling, amongst others. See this link for a full list and explanation of thinking errors. We also look for the evidence to suggest our thought has significance. For example is there any evidence which supports the idea I might cut my wrists? Have I ever done that before? Probably not. The second part of CBT is the behavioural part where we start to expose ourselves to situations and thoughts that are difficult for us until they no longer affect us. For example we tolerate eating with a fork that might be contaminated and when we do it enough times, we realise we can handle the uncertainty and the anxiety that accompanies it and it is no longer a big deal for us.

Mindfulness

To oversimplify, this is holding the knowing that all our experiences are temporary and often momentary. By reframing how we view our symptoms, we give them less power. For example, think about how different it feels to say to yourself, ‘In this moment I am feeling anxious’ or ‘right now i am having a thought that the spoon may be contaminated’ rather than simply focussing on how anxious you feel or how dirty the spoon might be. Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) has also been clinically proven to be effective for working with mental health disorders including depression and OCD. A great resource to learn more about mindfulness is Tara Brach's website.

Sensorimotor Therapy

Dr Pat Ogden, co-author of Sensorimotor Therapy offers an alternative to the CBT approach. The idea is that we can alter the faulty neural pathways that lead to OCD and anxiety by introducing somatic interventions. Dr Ogden describes the building blocks of experience which include 1)our thoughts, 2)emotions, 3)body sensations, 4) movements and 5) remembered images, smells or sounds that may come to mind as we focus on these. If we can change one of the building blocks in our well-trodden neural path then we can break the path and behave differently.  This might mean having the ‘what if’ thought but not allowing it to take hold. One of the ways we can break the old pattern is by working directly with our bodies. For example making the opposite movement that our body wants to make when we are feeling anxious such as lowering our shoulders and standing straight rather than raising our shoulders and hunching over. Somatic interventions are also offered for the client to try which help to reduce anxiety. Learning techniques to master anxiety gives us a sense of mastery and can give us the confidence to engage in the next steps of therapy.

I believe that having expertise of all these approaches means that the client and I have a highly equipped tool box for tackling OCD. Some clients are ready to get started with CBT straight away and others find this more difficult in which case we may start with exploring key schema, mindfulness and anxiety management techniques until they feel ready to start CBT. Others respond well to the benefits of a containing and nurturing therapeutic relationship and a Gestalt Therapy approach.

Why Your Biggest Bust-Up Can Lead to Your Biggest Break-through – Insights from a Couple’s Therapist

A couple come to see me, unhappy with their relationship. Unhappy enough and for long enough to have searched for and signed up for couples’ therapy.

As therapy begins, we feel more contained and hopeful.

 It can feel good knowing that we are finally tackling our issue head on. It can feel good to have a neutral person who allows us to express ourselves in a way that we may not feel able to do with our partner. A counsellor who ‘gets’ us in a way our partner may not. A counsellor that hears and acknowledges our hurts and resentments and stops conversations descending into full-scale bust-ups, facilitating us without entering the forays of the blame/accusation game.

In the beginning sessions, we may identify and work on the major fault lines in the relationship. These could be about how domestic chores are divided, financial contributions or parenting differences, amongst others.  We talk about them and figure out what each person needs and wants from the other regarding it. This often feels quite tangible and reassuring. We all like to feel as if we know where we’re headed and are on the way.

Then we hit a road-block

 The issues that we argue about in relationships are rarely what we are getting fired up and defensive about. They are like an iceberg: who said what that turned a cosy Saturday night in front of the TV into a shit-fest is just the snowy tip. The buried part is my hurt that you don’t seem to love me the way I love you. Or my fear that you are going to abandon me or let me down like my father did.

When we get to this bit, our wounds risk being exposed. We feel vulnerable and scared. We have after all been protecting and soothing our relationship wounds for a life-time. And let’s face it we all have some.  The relationship dynamic and couples counselling can nudge us to take another look at how we protect and shield ourselves and whether that helps or hinders our relationship. We may learn some hard truths along the way. That can feel really scary. So scary that we take a ‘flight into health’ and abort the sessions early on in order to maintain the status quo. We settle for superficial gains. These rarely last. What we resist persists. The alternative feels like too much work and surely a relationship shouldn’t be that hard?

Real relationship change means changing ourselves……and that’s scary

Even if we stay with the process, a set-back can occur. This can be in the guise of a huge argument or other behaviour which seems to obliterate all the progress made and takes us back to square one or even minus one. We feel disillusioned and disheartened and talk about giving up on the relationship.

This is a common phenomenon in all types of therapy. Therapeutic progress doesn’t move in straight lines. Often we relapse at a very sensitive and critical point. Perhaps one partner has made themselves more vulnerable when the other is not yet able to support them. Even if both partners want change, we change at different paces.

But there is a way through to the other side….

Getting to that part means staying with the process and learning how to communicate cleanly. This means when we learn to talk without blame: when we hear and take in what our partner says. When we acknowledge what they say even if we disagree with what they say. When we speak from our hearts and bodies and not just our thoughts. When we communicate our needs. When we stop defending ourselves and show our vulnerability.

Underneath the set-back is the new seed of change

However bad things may feel, if we can stay on board rather than react, we can see real change occur. The caveat to this is that both parties need to be willing to face themselves to create change in a relationship. This may take the form of some individual therapy sessions to work through emotional wounds that are affecting the current relationship, especially if we repeat certain patterns over several relationships.

 We tend to pick partners, out of our awareness, that confront us with our wounds. A ‘good’ partner in terms of our personal development is one who has just enough of the characteristics that unknowingly trigger our wounds. This offers us the opportunity to heal them.

So, Don’t lose hope. When things get bad, it can be the darkness before the light

4 Relationship Hacks I've Learned from being a Couples' Therapist

1. If you are both committed to change, you can! – Are some relationships doomed?  Is it written in the stars whether a relationship is meant to be? Have you heard people say that if a relationship is struggling early on it’s a bad sign?

We are confronted with so many messages about how relationships are supposed to be.  On Facebook friends post “Happily in Love” and “New Baby” updates. It is only when we talk to them one-to-one that we hear of the not so happy relationship moments.

My experience of working with couples and research conducted into therapeutic outcomes suggests that the most important indicator of a positive outcome is if can both parties want to change. This means not only wanting their partner to change but also being ready to change themselves.  We don’t’ need to be 100% committed. In a difficult relationship, it is normal for part of us to be invested in the relationship and the other part to doubt or even to want out.

However so long as you are willing to show up, even with your doubt, change is possible. That doesn’t mean it will be easy and at some point, both partners need to get fully on board. We get on board by expressing all of our doubts, resentments, hurts, fears in an open and non-blaming way as possible. Often this is easier in the presence of a couples’ therapist who is neutral and skilled to facilitate dialogue. It’s only by bringing all of our selves to the table that we allow the possibility for healing and greater understanding to occur.

2. Words are not enough – Old school couples’ therapists believed that communication was the key to happiness. if it was as easy as that we’d all be happy.  I agree that communication is important, however it’s about WHAT is communicated. Communicating thoughts alone is not enough. Many of us, both men and women are stuck in our heads. We say what we think and something gets lost in translation.

Communicating what we feel emotionally and physically as we express our thoughts helps our partner to know more of us. Consequently, they are less likely to misinterpret what we say and become defensive.

Compare:

1)

A: It bothers me that you don’t help with chores

B: Ok. I don’t know what to say to that. I do help. It bothers me when you say that!

A: You see, you never listen.

with.......

2)

A: It bothers me that you don’t help with chores and as I say this I feel embarrassed and I feel myself blush.

B: Right. Why do you feel embarrassed, you look angry to me, and as I say this I notice I feel a bit concerned for you and my heart area softens.

A: I feel embarrassed because I’m not used to asking for help

B: Ah I see. I didn’t realise that about you. Let’s talk about how to share the chores.

In the second example, partner A communicates their emotions and body sensations along with their thoughts and partner B can relate and empathise more. I’m not saying that we should do this with every conversation – it would make for incredibly long days! However this is a very good practice to do when we feel very disconnected from our partners and  are finding it difficult to communicate. Countless times I have witnessed partners softening, understanding each other more and feeling more connected after a head, heart, body conversation.

3. Your friends and family cannot be your couples’ therapist - Reality is like a prism; each face has a different perspective. Similarly, each partner's truth is their own. I'm always struck by how these truths can be so different and yet just as valid. It's for this reason that the version of a relationship dynamic told by one partner is never the whole truth, particularly when the relationship is going through difficulty. We filter experiences through unique glasses constructed out of our childhood experiences.

An individual who had a critical parent may be hyper sensitive to perceived criticism by their partner. They are more likely to hear words which might appear to others as neutral, as a criticism. This in turn triggers an age-old response of anger and defensiveness, covering up hurt and vulnerability. 

When both partners are inadvertently triggering each other’s childhood wounds you can imagine how colourful the firework display!  The work in couples’ therapy is helping each partner identify what belongs in the past and what belongs in the present so that they can see each other clearly. This takes a neutral unbiased person with the interests of the relationship at heart rather than a well- meaning yet biased friend or relative.

4. There is no shame in getting help – The reason many partners don’t want couples therapy is that they believe they should be able to sort out their problems by themselves. The idea of a third party being involved is considered a sign of weakness and is shameful. In my experience of working with couples this attitude comes with a great cost as it prevents them getting help at the early stages when things can be prevented from getting too bad rather than waiting until the relationship has been severely damaged and near to breaking point.

An alternative perspective is considering couples who embark on therapy and dare to shine the light on their intimate lives in the presence of a therapist as brave and admirable. They are willing to expose their flaws with the desire to improve things, and that takes guts.

Of course, I am biased but if partners got help more quickly they could stop a cycle of destructiveness that can last for years until finally someone bails or things are so bad and there is so much hurt and contempt that the relationship cannot be saved. It can be a simple lack of good communication that starts a vicious circle of attack and defence which leaves partners more and more polarized and more and more hurt and disappointed.

If you think about it, would you buy a house just because it looked nice and you thought it would be comfortable? No. You would get a surveyor to check out the structure. Similarly, if you are early into a relationship and unresolvable issues start to occur, would it not make sense to check out and perhaps adjust the structure, the way the two of you relate to each other, to build nice firm foundation rather than risk the house blowing down?

Healing Childhood Trauma - Part 1

Childhood trauma, developmental trauma, complex trauma, attachment trauma. These are all terms referring to hurt we experienced as children which still impacts us as adults. We may have suffered trauma due to external circumstances such as a car accident, a long hospital stay, a chronic childhood illness or perpetrated by a stranger or more distant family member. Or we may have suffered the hurt at the hands of our caregivers. Whichever of these circumstances, we did not at that time receive the support necessary to process our pain.

Any hurt which leaves us feeling helpless, frightened, overwhelmed or profoundly unsafe is considered a trauma. This can be a “big ‘T’ trauma” such as sexual abuse or the death of a parent, or a “small ‘t’ trauma” such as a caregiver and child having very different relational styles. For example, an emotionally inhibited parent and a child that has an intense need for affection and proximity.

Regardless of whether the trauma was perpetrated by a caregiver or a stranger, our pain was not acknowledged and dealt with appropriately. Perhaps we were pre-verbal and unable to communicate our suffering. Perhaps we were threatened to not say anything. Perhaps we were blamed and made to feel too ashamed. However, the most common reason our pain was not appropriately acknowledged and acted upon at the time was because it was inflicted by the very person or persons who were responsible for us, our caregivers.

Trauma which has been inflicted by a caregiver is particularly complex in how it impacts a child. This can be perpetrated by an adult who has their own mental health difficulties, whether it be a diagnosed personality disorder or a volatile temper, addiction or depression. These adults will have most likely suffered their own childhood traumas. Even though they are supposed to be the responsible adult, they are unable to regulate themselves sufficiently to provide the consistent boundaries, safety, security, attention and interest that a child needs.  The child finds itself in a double bind where it is dependent on the very person or people that hurt it.  Feelings of fear and rage are an appropriate response when an individual is being abused by another. They are messengers alerting us to our need to defend ourselves, find safety and to set boundaries. These are all things we cannot do when our carers are physically bigger and stronger than us, when we are fully dependent on them for survival, and when we need their love and approval to develop. So our pain, our deep hurt, disappointment, sense of betrayal, rage, grief and fear and helplessness go unacknowledged, but not forgotten. In adapting as best as we can to survive in relationship to our abuser, we contort ourselves, split ourselves, suppress ourselves and repress ourselves.

Whatever we do, the feelings do not resolve themselves. They show up in other ways. Be it an inability to form close relationships, anxiety, depression, anger-management issues, addictions, low self-esteem, or over-working, amongst others. The feelings that were not processed because it was not safe, we turn back on ourselves. We start to ‘hate’ on ourselves, feeling shame, feeling guilty, telling ourselves that we are not good enough and inadequate.  Clients who have experienced childhood trauma often have a very harsh inner critic. It acts like a sadistic slave driver or a bully, leaving them feeling anxious and depressed. These individuals may also have difficulty accessing a sense of personal power and ability to set healthy boundaries including getting appropriately angry. They may struggle professionally, remaining in jobs which do not match their abilities and often feeling helpless and fearful. Or they may detach themselves from their feelings and thus struggle with relationships or experience somatic issues such as chronic insomnia, migraines, back pains, chronic fatigue etc.

In part two of this article I look at how it is possible to heal childhood trauma.

Treating Depression Without Medication - Part Two

Another issue that I often see with depressed clients is a fear of failing and getting it wrong. In considering this, we can turn again to the Gestalt therapy theory concept of ‘creative adjustment’ - how an individual has adapted to cope with a certain situation in their early development, which may no longer fully serve them in the present. What is the function of your depression or depressed feelings? What do you gain from being depressed? These are some of the questions I pose. Often the immediate response is one of denial, disbelief or even anger. My client assures me that they have absolutely no interest in feeling depressed, that they gain nothing from it and are wholeheartedly dedicated to feeling better. Indeed, my question may be experienced as an insult or as ignoring the depth of their pain and distress. I go on to explain that the creative adjustments we may have made are no longer in our awareness. Therefore, we are not intentionally setting out to cause ourselves distress. I invite the client to be open to the idea that the knot they may be tied in is one that was knitted a long time ago. I point out also how the evidence doesn’t stack up. Even though a client may assert vehemently that they 100% do not want to feel depressed, they exhibit ambivalent behaviour like not showing up for therapy, turning up late or avoiding working on the issue in therapy. Most clients have some degree of ambivalence. There is always the part that wants to change and the part that doesn’t want to change.

What can the function of depression be? For some clients, it provides a security. Even though the distress is real and often awful, being depressed minimises the fear and anxiety linked with risking and getting rejected or failing. I ask clients what they would do if they weren’t feeling depressed. Often it is difficult to respond. Even risking telling their therapist about secret hopes and dreams feels too scary, for fear they will be judged. When I probe a little more I may find out about creative talents, passions and interests in the past or present. I ask them what stops them pursuing them in the present or developing them, since they were or still are a source of enjoyment. The critical voice then comes knocking on the door forcefully.  They reply that as soon as they do anything like that their inner critic tells them it is rubbish. The critical voice says that unless what they do is perfect then there is no point in doing it at all. I too would be put off from doing anything which risks exposing myself if I were confronted with those negative thoughts.

When I challenge my depressed client on what would be so bad about failing, they say the failure and resulting self-blame would be unbearable. None of us like failing or feeling rejected or getting something wrong. As humans, we are primed to feel shame and embarrassment. The thing is though that like all other emotions, this changes. We may feel bad for 30 minutes or so but then life carries on. Therefore, even if the feeling feels unbearable, we do in fact bear it. What seems to make it even worse with depressed clients is the critical voice that is there anyway and really goes to town when they get it wrong. From this point of view it makes sense that it is better not to risk and try. The therapeutic work is then about helping the client to look at the unrealistic expectations of the critical voice and how it stops them from doing anything. The work is also about developing enough sense of safety and self-belief so that they can bear the idea of taking a risk and getting something wrong and living to tell the tale.

I hope that you have found this article useful. If so then please share it with someone. If it has stimulated your interest in working with me then feel free to call me or text for an informal chat or to book an assessment session. I also look forward to reading any comments you have.

Warmest wishes,

Alexandra

Treating Depression Without Medication

Depression is a tricky customer. It seems as intrinsic a part of Western society as the flu. It is widely written and spoken about in the media and everyday life.  According to the Mental Health Foundation, in 2014, 19.7% of adults showed symptoms of anxiety or depression - a 1.5% increase from 2013. However, depression means different things to different people. It can mean a low mood that doesn’t impede normal functioning. A situation can be described as depressing. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) defines clinical depression, when leaving bed is impossible. Just as there are different experiences of feeling depressed, so there are different causes and different ways of dealing with it. Nevertheless, some symptoms which are common to depression are:

• Low mood
• Tiredness
• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• Feelings of guilt
• Difficulty concentrating and deciding
• No longer enjoying activities which used to be pleasurable
• Low self-esteem

Unfortunately, it not possible to wrap the cause and cure of depression up into a neat little package. Nevertheless, there are certain common themes that are worthwhile to explore in therapy. Just as there are common depression symptoms, from my clinical experience depressed people share certain creative adjustments in common. ‘Creative adjustment’ is a Gestalt therapy term which means a way that an individual has adapted to cope with a particular situation in their early development, which may no longer serve them in the present. In the rest of this article I’m going to look at four common features: the critical voice, the relationship with anger, boundaries, and the fear of failure

The critical voice

This is the inner self-talk that most of us experience to varying degrees. It can be the voice that tells us we look too fat in what we’re wearing, that the person we’re talking to at a party doesn’t like us, that we could never write a novel, that we’re failing as a parent. These are critical statements that make us feel bad and lose energy. They never work to motivate us in a helpful way. Sometimes we have taken this critical voice on from a strict parent or authority figure. With a depressed client, the critical voice is particularly sadistic and punishing. When I invite depressed clients to vocalise the critical voice I get a sense of it wielding a huge amount of power. It seems to relish beating my client down like an inner tyrant running amok. It tells my client that they are useless, taking up unnecessary space on the earth, that the world would be better off if they didn’t exist, and so it goes on……It is constantly present, whether the individual is alone or in company when it judges how badly they are coming across to the other. People describe feeling exhausted by this vicious critical voice. Simply by gaining clearer awareness of its existence through therapy can already be a first step in regaining some power over it.

Relationship with Anger

What’s often missing in these intrapsychic dynamics described above is anger. Gestalt therapists sometimes invite the client to do “two-chair work”. This is a way to work with intrapsychic conflict. If there is a critical voice, then there is another part of the individual that is sick and tired of the critical voice. However, for some clients, the critical voice seems like the only part they are in touch with. In “two-chair” the client is invited to reply back to the critical voice. For someone who is not depressed they may reply to the critical voice with something like, “hey, leave me alone. Stop bullying me. What’s your problem? How dare you say that to me? I’m fine just as I am”. This would be a healthy response to a bully. However, some depressed clients do not experience any anger at all towards their critical voice, they just go along with it and agree.

As a therapist, this always interests me. One of the purposes and benefits of feeling angry is to protect oneself and to assert one’s boundaries.  I become curious if a client finds it difficult to own or express anger. I begin to wonder what happens to the anger they feel. After being angry is part of being human. However, those who view anger as something ‘bad’, ‘negative’ or ‘unhealthy’ tend to have a difficult relationship with it. In my experience, there is often a link between feeling depressed and having unhealthy beliefs around anger which prevent its expression. An unhealthy belief can be, “I can only be angry if it is justified’, or “if I get angry I will really hurt/lose the person love’. Often these beliefs go back to childhood. If one had a bullying parent, then one couldn’t get angry back for fear of retribution so we learn to swallow our anger. Another commonly held belief is that “there is no point getting angry, getting angry doesn’t get me anywhere”. As a child, this may well have been the case. I think of a baby crying in its cot to get attention. If the parents do not attend to it, eventually it will cry itself out and experience itself as powerless. I often see depressed clients who are the nicest and most compassionate souls when it comes to others but harshly angry towards themselves. I point out that all their angry feelings seem to be directed in only one way, towards themselves. If it didn’t feel safe enough to express anger at the person for whom it was meant, then because the underlying need in the anger has not been met it cannot dissipate. Instead, it boomerangs back onto ourselves.

The therapeutic work is then about developing compassion for that young part of us that felt angry because a need wasn’t’ met. It’s about understanding what the need was. It’s also about understanding what our needs are now. Often depressed clients find it difficult to get in touch with their needs as they are more used to suppressing them. In therapy, we work to develop support for the client to risk getting angry and asking for what they need without the fear of recrimination.

It can feel very scary to step into a different way of doing things and clients often needs lots of support and going slow. Support can include many things. As well as using Gestalt therapy principles and interventions, I also recommend other books that might help. A useful framework to understand more about why we may have difficulties with anger is schema therapy. 

. A book which clients have found useful is “Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program To End Negative Behaviour And Feel Great Again” by Jeffrey E Young.

In part two of this blog, tomorrow, I will discuss the remaining two common features of depression which are 1) boundaries, and 2) fear of failure.

If you have found this article useful then please share it with someone. If it has stimulated your interest in working with me then feel free to call me or text for an informal chat or to book an assessment session. I also look forward to reading any comments you have.

Warmest wishes,

Alexandra Stevens

Can our childhood attachment determine our social intelligence?

Attachment styles are widely talked about in psychology these days. The term refers to the social-behavioural impact of our early relationships with our key caregivers. According to the theory of Bowlby (1991), those of us who experienced a warm and stable relationship with our primary caregivers have ‘secure ‘attachment. This means feeling a strong and secure sense of self and a trust and openness towards others. Those with ‘anxious-ambivalent’ attachment, are overly concerned with the other and can come across as needy. And those with ‘avoidant’ attachment deal with their distrust of others by avoiding intimacy.

Attachment affects how a person develops and their mental wellbeing, over the course of their life. Researchers have investigated how attachment styles affect our current relationships. A study published in the International Journal of Psychological Studies (Vol. 8, No.4) looks at whether attachment affects our social intelligence.

What do we mean by social intelligence? It can refer to social sensitivity, social foresight, social skills, social competence, social effectiveness, sympathy, emotional skills, social anxiety, social adjustment, the ability to interact with others and emotional intelligence. These are evidently all very important skills to thrive socially and professionally. The researchers of the current study assert that social intelligence is necessary for ‘social adjustment and success in social life’. They go on to say that people with secure attachment are more open to new learning. Individuals with insecure attachment tend to have poor social skills and are distrustful of others which leads to a lower sense of self-efficacy.

Since there is no universally approved definition nor one scale that is used to measure social intelligence, the findings of the research study are limited to the researchers’ definition which included 42 questions on social knowledge, social effectiveness and social competence. 404 female students participated at Riyadh university in Saudi Arabia. Their attachment styles were measured using the Adult Attachment Scale.The questions the research tried to answer were 1) Which attachment styles are prevalent at the university and 2) is there a link between attachment style and social intelligence?

The results showed that most of the students had secure attachment. A positive relationship was found between secure attachment and social knowledge, competence and intelligence. A statistically negative relationship was found between insecure attachment, social competence and total social intelligence. A statistically negative relationship was also found between avoidant attachment and social knowledge. However, there was no significant relationship between avoidant attachment style and social intelligence. Therefore secure and anxious-ambivalent attachment styles do affect social intelligence whereas avoidant attachment styles do not.Going by this research, it seems that those with anxious attachment styles (estimated at approximately 30% of the population by Ainsworth et al 1978) are the worst off. They are the most likely to be plagued with issues of low self-efficacy, which is the self-confidence to take the initiative in social communication and to establish new friendships. However, the study points out that the results differ from other findings where no link was found between anxious attachment and social skills.

It can be argued that the research is limited as it defines only three types of attachment. These categories do not always accurately describe an individual’s pattern which might be a mixture of more than one. There has also been critique of using the Adult Attachment Scale which consists of questions answered only by the participant, as it is questionable how well we truly see ourselves. Other studies use interviews and reaction time tasks to gage attachment styles. We also need to bear in mind that the participants of the study were exclusively women in a country which has a fundamentalist Islamic tradition. Would the results be the same in a mixed college in the States?

Nevertheless, the research makes some recommendations that are worth considering on a wider level such as taking into the account the needs of those with insecure attachment when designing educational programmes.

Positive Thinking - Can you imagine yourself into happiness?

Fantasy has been around for as long as humanity. As George Bernard Shaw said, "Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will”. Creative visualization is widely written about these days. Imagery is also used by cognitive behavioural therapists, amongst others. This study looks at the effects of self-guided imagery. Specifically, researchers Velikova et al. investigated whether self-guided imagery can increase wellbeing.

The research is important because up till now only the efficacy of guided imagery has been researched. Imagery is used in cognitive behavioural therapies to help individuals overcome issues such as phobias, anxiety and depression.  For example, someone worried about doing a public presentation would imagine themselves getting through it and successfully coping with any challenges. According to Laing, imagery influences both physiological and behavioural responses whereas changing one’s thoughts as per cognitive therapy, does not. Guided self-imagery has also proven effective for healthy individuals to increase optimism, improve relationships, promote empathy and social behaviour. It can be tailored to cover issues that individuals are struggling with. Therefore, self-guided visualisation is a potentially cheap and effective approach to improve wellbeing on a large-scale, whilst meeting the needs of individuals. In these times of cash-strapped public health services with long waiting lists, or expensive private therapies, this is an attractive alternative.

For the research, the 30 participants did 12 weeks of self-guided imagery sessions lasting 15-20 mins each. These were sandwiched in between two visualization training workshops at the beginning and end of the 12-week period which included and EEG.

One of the reasons for the lack of evidence about the effect of self-guided imagery is due to the lack of evidence of how visualizing affects the brain. Therefore, the researchers developed hypotheses to address this. They hypothesized that 1) psychological test results would reflect increased wellbeing after the training was completed 2) there will be changes in EEG results explainable by the training specifically a) changes in the regions participating in the imagery and emotional processing, b) increased EEG connectivity generally and specifically of theta waves which are linked to creativity.

The training consisted of learning techniques to:

·      cope with past traumatic events, working with it till they could see the story with a positive ending.

·      goal achievement of future events. To describe in as much detail as possible the goals and steps to achieving them and then visualize as if already achieved.

·      To improve social interactions. To imagine future relations as having tranquility, openness.

·      To feel more positive on the day-to-day. When visualizing tomorrow thinking of calmness and freshness and peace and satisfaction at the end of the day.

The psychological testing after the training programme showed that participants felt less depressed, perceived themselves as more effective, experienced life as more meaningful and felt more satisfied with life.

The EEG results did show increased activity in the medial prefrontal cortex which is linked with imagining pleasant scenes. Therefore, it could be argued that this was because of the imagery training.

The EEG results also showed increased activity between the inferior temporal gyruses from both hemispheres during delta waves. These waves are present during deep sleep. There was also increased activity between the posterior cingulate cortex and right Inferior temporal gyrus during theta waves. Theta waves are experienced during light sleep or an intensely relaxed state such as deep meditation.

The researchers recognized that some of the same brain changes, for example in theta and delta waves could also occur in relaxation, however they pointed out that the changes in the DMN network would not occur in relaxation. It was also suggested that research would need to be conducted using more active imagery to ascertain whether the brain changes occurred due to the imagery and not due to the relaxation.

There were a small number of participants (30) so more research is needed to corroborate these results. Further research is also needed on which parts of the brain are implicated in visualization, to ascertain that the improved wellbeing is due to the self-guided visualization.  There was also a bias towards women, 24 out of 30 and towards those who already had sub-threshold depression, 22 out of 30. One could wonder if there is a gender difference in the ability to visualize and whether this would affect results. One could also question whether the results would be significant if all participants were emotionally healthy. The research also doesn’t talk about those individuals that struggle to visualize anything. Despite this, the results are exciting.

If as George Bernard Shaw says, ‘imagination is the beginning of creation’, then this is a potentially powerful tool to shape our worlds.

Journal Reference:

Svetla Velikova, Haldor Sjaaheim, Bente Nordtug. Can the Psycho-Emotional State be Optimized by Regular Use of Positive Imagery?, Psychological and Electroencephalographic Study of Self-Guided Training. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 2017; 10 DOI: 10.3389/fnhum.2016.00664

How To Improve Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence.

Get over yourself! How leading a life more ordinary can lead to the Extraordinary!

I was facilitating a therapy group the other day and one of the members talked about what she was learning from struggling academically with a very heavy postgraduate course. She described it as coming to terms with the fact of her ordinariness. By this she meant accepting that she was not special, more gifted or more able to by-pass the struggles that others faced academically. It meant acknowledging her averageness, that she was a fallible, little bit broken and imperfect human being like the other 6.4 billion wandering the earth.

This resonated with me. I thought back to when I failed my dissertation in the final year of my MA in Gestalt Therapy Theory Studies. Up until this point I had always passed assignments well enough to satisfy my ego’s expectations. When I failed my dissertation, with the blood, sweat and tears that went into it, my ego was dealt what felt like a severe and merciless blow. The pain I felt was as much from anticipating re-writing the whole damn dissertation as about the dent in my self-image.

The blow to my ego led to me growing up, and that meant adjusting my self-image by lowering and widening the lens through which I viewed myself. As a child, I was told - as many are, which is both a fortunate and unfortunate thing, that I could achieve anything. Failing was a punch in the face to that belief. It demanded that I accept my ordinariness.

If our self-esteem is based on achievements and praise it is like the little pigs' House of Straw. One puff and it is all blown down. What is missing is a robust and continuous sense of self-worth which is independent of our achievements whether they be glorious, embarrassing, admirable or downright disappointing.

Failing demands we unshackle our sense of self from our performance. It means we separate our sense of being a lovable and worthy human being from the sometime idiotic, regrettable acts we might commit as a fallible person. It means growing up and connecting with our innate sense of self- worth rather than viewing ourselves through the lens we think others see us through.

Accepting our ordinariness means…

·      we are less caught up in demanding perfection of ourselves

·      we are free to do and try without the pressure of having to be so amazing that we do not try at all

·      we feel less anxious and less depressed

·      we get more stuff done

·      we are more able to differentiate between the sometime disappointing and passing behaviours of others and their innate worthiness of our love and esteem.

·      we can incrementally accomplish extraordinary feats

Achieving the extraordinary means…

1)    Identifying and deleting ‘Basic Musts” thinking

Albert Ellis’ Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy talks of the ‘Basic Musts’ which form part of the erroneous beliefs that lead to unhappiness. We take on these beliefs unconsciously because of past social conditioning, without analysing their validity or the evidence that they are based on. We believe them to be true. Without becoming aware of them and challenging them we go on blindly believing them with all the anxiety, depression, shame, rage and fear that they produce.

These ‘Basic Musts’ include 1) “I must do well and if I don’t then I’m a failure’, 2), ‘I must win the approval of others, if not I’m not worthy’, and 3) ‘life must go my way otherwise it is a catastrophe’. REBT challenges us to separate our actions and behaviours, which may or may not be successful, from our innate self-worth. It challenges us on whether it is possible to be approved of by everyone and asks us to accept that regardless of whether we are liked by some people or not, we are still beings worthy of love. It challenges us to accept that life is not fair and that sometimes shit happens and it sucks but it is always bearable. It is a more helpful way of thinking and provides a sense of inner space and relief.

2)    Practicing zero tolerance of ‘all or nothing’, ‘catastrophising’ and ‘I-can’t-bear-it’ thinking errors.

When I first failed my dissertation I (inwardly) threw a tantrum of distress and despair, telling myself that I wanted nothing more to do with study, that it was ‘all hopeless’. This is ‘All or Nothing’ thinking, one of the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ‘thinking errors’. Growing up is accepting that we do things and sometimes they work out and sometimes they don’t work out but that doesn’t mean we are hopeless. It is also an example of ‘catastrophising’. In fact, failing wasn’t literally the end of the world. My life continued and the disappointment didn’t last. Lastly, even though I thought that I couldn’t bear it, I could.

Here’s how the “Basic Musts’ can negatively impact us. If we anticipate giving a public presentation we might erroneously think that we need to do a fabulous job, in order to get everyone’s approval and to validate our worthiness. We fear that we will mess it up and die of humiliation and embarrassment. In fact, if that were to happen we would bear it. I’m sure we can all think of situations like that when we did. Furthermore, it is highly likely that the thinking errors themselves lead to the heightened anxiety which lead us to messing up. The anticipation of doing a bad job and the fear of being condemned to a state of unworthiness and  'unbearable; shame and humiliation mean that we probably don’t even try giving the presentation. Or if we do get up on the podium we freeze with crippling fear. Allowing ourselves to do the presentation whilst accepting that we are fallible, imperfect and a little bit broken, and knowing that we are still innately worthy and lovable, takes the edge off and allows more space for the extraordinary to shine through.

3)    Identifying things you would like to do and start doing them!

Put yourself out there even if what you produce is ‘crap’ and allow yourself to achieve ordinary accomplishments. I did this with my final year dissertation which I passed the second time around. I just kept writing even if I didn’t think what I was writing was any good. Accepting my ordinariness also enabled me to reach out for support from experts as I was no longer so fearful about protecting my ego from ‘unbearable’ criticism.

Accepting my ordinariness also allowed me to build a successful career as a psychotherapist. I took the risk of sending my CV off to numerous private clinics and got an interview and job offer with one of them.

Accepting my ordinariness allowed me to apply for a competitive role as group facilitator on a university course when I thought I had no chance at all. When preparing for the interview I allowed myself to be ordinary and decided instead to enjoy the preparation process. I got the job!

As Arnold Beisser, who had a strong influence on Gestalt Therapy says,

 “change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions.”

Arnold Beisser, MD.  

So I invite you to  get over, under, through, around and about yourself until you discover the Extraordinairyness that lies there sparkling and has been there all along!