First published in Elephant Journal, June 2025
I want to share my experience of trying to manifest a new life—and what I’ve learned about why it wasn’t working the way I thought it would.
The Invisible Force Holding Me Back
About two and a half years ago, I found myself in a kind of emotional fog. I wasn’t exactly depressed, but everything felt flat. Bleak. I was looking at the next 20 years of my life—doing the same trauma therapy work, in the same neighborhood, in the same rhythm—and I just couldn’t. My soul felt numb. There was nothing particularly wrong, but the idea of continuing as I was left me cold.
And so I asked myself: What brought me joy when I was younger?
The answer came quickly—acting. That creative fire, the embodied joy, the freedom of expression. I started weekly online acting classes. It woke something up in me. It helped me listen more closely to my soul’s voice.
A year and a half later, I moved to Lisbon. With a five-year-old. And a newborn. And no support system.
At the same time, I began shifting from purely trauma therapy to working with creatives and exploring the acting world for myself. It was a massive change—not just of place and career, but of identity. And while my soul knew I was doing the right thing… the rest of me? Not so much.
Practice One: Visualisation with Shadow Tracking
That’s when it started: the internal resistance. The part of me that didn’t believe it was safe to expand. That didn’t believe I could be supported. That didn’t believe I was worthy.
Even though I’d already done seven years of therapy—and trained as a trauma therapist myself—these old beliefs came roaring back. Not in obvious ways. But in the background. Sabotaging. Shaping my decisions. Tightening me up with fear.
I threw myself into manifestation work. Visualisations. Affirmations. Vision boards. I followed the big names—Amanda Frances, Lenka Lutonska. I wanted to believe it would work. I tried to feel the feelings of abundance, success, joy.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t access the feelings.
I couldn’t hold the vision.
I just… went numb.
That numbness wasn’t new. I’d met it before in my acting training, in feedback from people who couldn’t “read” what I was feeling. As a therapist, I know what that is: a protector part. One that came along early in life to shield me from unbearable emotion.
So I did the work. Again. And I realised something that changed everything:
You can’t manifest your dream life if your nervous system doesn’t believe it’s safe to have it.
Practice Two: Befriending the Parts That Hold You Back
One of the most helpful things I started doing was pairing visualisation with awareness of what comes up—especially the parts of me that resist.
Try this:
- Take five minutes to fully visualise the life you want. Let it be detailed. Specific. You having the money. The time. The love. The ease.
- And then… just notice what comes up.
- Numbness?
- Guilt?
- Grief?
- Resistance?
- Self-doubt?
For me, it was grief. A wave of it. A part of me that remembered not getting what I needed as a child. A part that believed it was too late now. That it wasn’t safe to hope.
If something like this arises, don’t bypass it. Be curious. Ask:
- “What belief is underneath this?”
- “When did I first feel this way?”
- “What part of me is carrying this?”
This process alone can reveal so much.
Practice Three: Releasing Through the Body
In my own work (and with clients), I use a mix of EMDR, IFS (parts work), and somatic tracking to work with these protective layers.
Once I notice a part—say, the one that wants me to stay small—I start relating to it:
- What does it fear would happen if I changed?
- What is it protecting me from?
- What did it need, back then, that it didn’t get?
Often, these parts are holding buried emotions like rage, grief, or fear. They’re not trying to block us. They’re trying to keep us safe.
Sometimes I dialogue with them. Sometimes I just sit with them. I let them express. I tap (left–right–left–right, like in EMDR). I remind them that now is different. That we are safe.
This isn’t about pushing through.
It’s about integration.
This Is Not a Quick Fix
Thoughts alone can’t move trauma.
Emotions need to be felt.
Bodies need to be involved.
If a wave of emotion comes—rage, grief, fear—I let it peak and crash like a wave. I tap. I breathe. I allow it to rise and fall, rather than shut it down.
Here’s one way I do this:
- I lie down and do connected breathing.
- I breathe into the part of my body where I feel blocked (for me, it’s often my lower or upper back).
- I stay with the breath.
- I let the emotion move.
- Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I want to punch pillows. Sometimes I shake.
That’s all okay.
Because after that wave passes, I can finally access the positive belief I’ve been trying to install:
- I am safe.
- I am worthy.
- I am powerful.
- I don’t need to struggle.
- It’s safe to receive.
You can only truly believe those things when your body believes them too.
I want to be real: this isn’t a “five minutes a day and your dream life arrives” kind of thing.
For those of us with attachment trauma, it can take 6–12 months of steady, committed work to create real change. But it can happen. I know because it’s happening for me. Bit by bit. Day by day.
I’m not sharing this to sell you anything.
I’m sharing it because it’s what I needed to read.
It’s what I wish someone had told me when I felt like I was doing everything “right” but still getting nowhere.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re not broken.
You just need a deeper approach.
And if you don’t want to do it alone—you don’t have to.
Thanks for reading my story.
And if it helped you even a little… I’m really glad.