Relationship questions are never black and white. Any security derived from judging the other quickly is an illusion to avoid normal feelings of insecurity when getting closer to someone. And that insecurity will stick with you into the next and next relationship like a fly to a piece of shit.

But when a date or a relationship goes wrong, we don’t dare ask for feedback. If our date tells us they don’t want to continue seeing us, our inner critic attacks us like a wrinkly-headed vulture about to gobble up a tasty dead lion. “It’s because you’re too fat, too ugly, too unlovable, because they spotted that there is something truly wrong with you”. How is it that we rarely challenge this vulture by finding out why they don’t want to see us anymore? More than likely it is because of them rather than us. A recent client of mine, after taking the risk of asking, found out it was because their date was looking for hook-ups and polyamory whilst they were looking for monogamy. 

When weighing up the cost of therapy, you may find your mouse hesitating to click on the ‘get in touch’ button. You start doing the mental maths of how much it’s going to add up to per month. Then you start thinking about the things you’ll have to go without. Or, you think about all the things you could buy with the money instead. You focus on the monetary cost of therapy and try to decide if it is good value. When making your decision, here are some additional points to consider:

“I need a pep talk, girls! I’ve just come out of the worst meeting ever and I’ve got one more to go.  It was full of alpha dominants. I was the only voice of reason. Give me some nuggets of wisdom ASAP.” You’ve been there right? Maybe the scenario was a little different but feeling on the backfoot, like you don’t fit in and anxious are the same?I sure have. Or at least I did until these tips…

Recently a few of my clients have been contemplating whether it’s time to end therapy. Recently other of my clients have been contemplating whether the to end their romantic relationships. Should I stay or should I go and how do I know?

The job of the therapist is to facilitate awareness of blind spots so that they can make a more informed decision Thus, as I said to both sets of clients, I can help you to explore your situation and the reasons for wanting to stay and go. Hopefully this will give you a greater perspective and help you to understand more fully the dynamics at play. This is true both for a therapeutic or a romantic relationship. 

When we get to this bit, our wounds risk being exposed. We feel vulnerable and scared. We have after all been protecting and soothing our relationship wounds for a life-time. And let’s face it we all have some.  The relationship dynamic and couples counselling can nudge us to take another look at how we protect and shield ourselves and whether that helps or hinders our relationship. We may learn some hard truths along the way. That can feel really scary. So scary that we take a ‘flight into health’ and abort the sessions early on in order to maintain the status quo. We settle for superficial gains. These rarely last. What we resist persists. The alternative feels like too much work and surely a relationship shouldn’t be that hard?